I am taking a deep breath before I begin.
I do find solace in the fact that this blog has like three readers and I won’t have to try to confront these issues with someone who is “worried” and I can just go on with my life as I normally do.
Still, this is not something I have ever shared in writing.
Not for others to read that is.
The Open Owl is an open space and I created it to be a haven for positivity. It would not be a genuinely open space if I wasn’t open myself and admit to my readers that I struggle with positivity and having positive notions. I am not a hypocrite and I DO practice what I preach, doing so just seems to be harder for me than it normally should.
Where is this coming from exactly? Last week I was just discussing living for your passion and how happy I was to be in school to pursue mine. So what happened?
Well first just a little background.
2018 was a really hard year for me. I finally cut ties with a narcissist I had been involved with. I can not say I was dating him because it turns out he had an entire family and….its a long story. Basically, I was a dumbass who ignored the signs of being a sidechick and I heavily beat myself up for not realizing how manipulating he was. That was just one issue. Work was really draining me mentally. It was a commission based job selling cars for Nissan and business was slow and paychecks reflected that but the people were also so drama filled and superficial. Again, that was just another issue.
It seemed that suddenly internal conflicts I thought I had a hold on were surfacing and becoming louder and louder. I was drowning in my thoughts and it manifested physically. I seemed to really start to feel my mothers absence and not just in my life but as an entity in the world. She was really gone and, alone in my apartment every single night, I felt more and more empty. I got sick more frequently and also developed sciatica which made doing anything involving my lower back so painful. I began to feel like I couldn’t do a damn thing right. I couldn’t stop eating, I couldn’t sell cars, I couldn’t keep my house clean, I couldn’t pay my bills, couldn’t get a decent man and one that loved me, I couldn’t be a good Jehovahs Witness. Hell I couldn’t even bend down.
Eventually, something else I couldn’t do was get out of bed. One morning I called off from work with the legitimate reason that I literally couldn’t sit up in bed because of the sciatica. Being in bed the entire day I felt pathetic as food wrappers and cups littered my bed and Netflix flashed on the screen.
But I felt safe in my bed.
In my bed I did not have to seem composed when all I wanted to do was scream. I didn’t have to smile and keep it together when I didn’t want to. In my bed it was ok to burst into tears over anxieties I couldn’t explain.
Many things transpired after that day and not necessarily for the better. I didn’t go to work for a more than a week and probably only kept my job because my boss liked me. He assumed my depression could be attributed to me cutting ties with the guy previously mentioned. Considering how the guy was a previous coworker my boss saw first hand how that could have been a big blow and even though I tried to discuss with him that it was more than that I eventually allowed him to think I was just heartbroken. Honestly, it was better than trying to explain something I was unsure about myself.
Like I said a lot happened in the earlier half of 2018 and it was dark but the last few months of 2018 brought some light. So whats going on now?
Well I don’t know. What I do know is that today I didn’t go to class and I have been in this same spot for the entirety of this day. Now someone may say well it is ok to take a break and a day to relax and that is true. It is what I thought about as I lay in this bed and stagnant in this same spot today that scares me.
I started work as a server yesterday in order to pay the bills seeing as how I have been unemployed for about three months.
I laid here in bed with my feet throbbing thinking, not about the physical aspect of going back to work, but the mental aspect.
It haunted me. It haunts me.
I keep remembering how good it felt to not punch those numbers into the time clock and then begin to feel like a prison mate for the next 8 hours. Being told what to do, how to do it, and even when to eat.
Every time I thought about it today my chest tightened with a daunting intensity.
I then began to chastise myself for such a lazy and ungrateful attitude.
I should be happy to have a way to make money and as an adult what do I expect to do? Live my life without working and hope money falls from the sky?
I laid there and read emails about homework that was due either in a few hours or the next day. I read each email and then made no effort to do any of the assignments. I kept checking my work schedule and just staring at the hours and the days I was being told to report for duty and it made me nauseous.
Just a few days ago I was extremely excited to add work to my list of responsibilities as if being a full time student wasn’t enough. So what happened? I don’t know but the complete mood shift is familiar. Being sad and suddenly having no energy or desire to do absolutely anything was familiar. Being extremely hungry and then having no appetite at all was familiar. Thinking about all the ways life wasn’t how I imagined it should be was familiar.
Constantly seeing my life as a botched plan is heavy but yup you got it…..familiar. Why am I here? What purpose am I serving? Why aren’t things bringing me real joy? Again my chest tightened.
What’s worse is I don’t think my pride will ever allow me to sit and attempt to express these feelings. Would they be conveyed accurately or would I just be viewed as a lazy millennial who has no worth ethic? Or worse yet will I be sent to the top floor of a hospital where I am questioned and have my cellphone and shoestrings taken away?
It’s hard to breathe with all this crashing in my head and its much easier to catch my breath if I lay here and do nothing. Perhaps for today that was acceptable but it wont be tomorrow when its time to clock in. It won’t be acceptable tomorrow when those assignments are due?
So I’ll do what Mac always does and that is pull it together. I will take deep breaths and force myself out of bed. I will go to work and work my shift with a smile. I will go to class with those assignments completed and with a smile. I’ll act like I don’t have these thoughts and I will smile.
Matter of the fact is though (lets keep it a secret between us)………I don’t want to.