It is 6:48 p.m. on Sunday August 12,2018. I have just thrown a soaked t-shirt into the washer in exchange for nothing but a blanket to warm my lady bags as I type. Was the shirt soaked from some summertime fun at the pool? Perhaps there was a mishap while I washed dishes? Not quite. I have spent the last thirty minutes on my couch BAWLING!
If this is what you pictured then we are NOT on the same page.
Picture this instead
It dawned on me as I used my shirt as my own personal face mop that there was no reason I shouldn’t write about it. It’s why I started this blog in the first place. I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the world. So here we are.
I did not wake up in a ball on the couch this morning but that is definitely where I ended up this afternoon and if you care enough to discover why stick around!
My week had been going relatively well. A lot of things on my agenda had begun to fall into place. As an additional bonus, a very nice gentleman had come into my life and asked me out so that meant free food, good conversations, and new experiences for me. The only pothole in my week was my current car situation. My little Toyota, Cornelius, had died. Completely abandoned me with no warning on my way back from visiting my original stomping grounds in Chicago a few weeks ago. Insurance deemed it a total loss but were and STILL are taking their sweet ass time completing the claim which would allow me to purchase a new vehicle.
I am aware of the importance of credit when looking to finance a vehicle. I learned a lot through trial and (severe) error when I purchased Cornelius. I began to love the notifications I would receive about my credit score each time it would rise. It was nice to know that my strives to be a responsible adult were somewhat paying off. So imagine my HORROR when I was laying on my couch and get a “there have been some changes to your credit report” email just to find out my score has dropped over 50 points! Also, the additional terror of realizing it was a fuck up on someone else’s part!
A true adult nightmare. Not only had this put a dent in my score, obviously, but it also put a huge dent in my car buying plans I had already thoroughly thought out. The change came from an account with Verizon that Sprint was supposed to pay off as a part of their promotion if you switched carriers. I am fuming, especially because when Verizon contacted me to inform me that the account had NOT been paid off I called Sprint and they assured me that it would be handled. Since it clearly was not handled I will say that there is a reason Sprint has cheaper prices and also with Sprint you can’t be on the internet and talk on the phone at the same damn time. BOOM! ROASTED!
Here is where the bawling began. In that moment I wanted nothing more than my mother and as I realized I would always want her but never have her it was like getting punched in the stomach by an angry Bruce Banner. I immediately became less distraught over the fact that now I had no idea if I could still get the vehicle of my choice and more so devastated over the fact that my mother wasn’t there to tell me what to do. There is not a day that goes by without me missing my mother. Certain situations bring forth a pain that I have yet to be able to effectively describe. It’s the situations where something isn’t going as they should and I realize my mom isn’t already in her room fixing it for me. It is the moments where I feel lost and her hand isn’t there to guide me back. It’s the situations where normally I could call and vent about how bad I was feeling and she would answer and say “it’s ok babycakes.” Now if you dial (773)590-1945 there’s no “babycakes” on the other end, just, “sorry but the number you are trying to reach….”
Now I am not an emotional person usually and I am definitely not a weeper. I can almost count on one hand how many people have seen me cry. However, August always has a somberness to it I can never escape. August 17th, 2015 is the day my soul left, yet to return. I usually try to mentally prepare for the day and try to work through it. I don’t even let people know the significance of the day so that there is very little attention to me. (Some people say the stupidest things at the worst times so I do my best to avoid everyone). August 17th of 2016 and 2017 ended the same way so in the spirit of tradition I fully expected 2018 to follow suit. For the past two years the 17th has been a pretty uneventful day. I usually keep to myself for the majority of the day until I can make it home. Then I typically spend a ridiculous amount of the evening in the shower, relentlessly replaying I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack on my speakers, while using the shower to muffle my wails and wash my tears down the drain as I tear my loofah into pieces out of pure agony. *whew* Nothing too dramatic, ya know?
But considering how I am already in my feelings (not over KiKi), I am not sure how this Friday will transpire.
So I sat on the couch like a child throwing a tantrum over the fact that mommy isn’t here to put band-aids on my scraped knee when I fall. I am not sure that will ever stop being a huge suck fest. However, she taught me to persevere and so that is what I will do. Sometimes I have to tell my own self that it is not the end of the world because I don’t always have someone to tell me that in a supportive manner and not a degrading one. I have no clue what I am going to do now considering another car but I will figure something out. Right now I just need to find a way to get the energy to do just that because I am pretty tired mentally. This “L” is simply another lesson though. I have become enamored with becoming a positive person and someone dedicated to her desire for personal growth. I just want to show my readers that even on your journey to be positive you can be met with negative circumstances. There is a reason it is called “growing pains.” I think I am all cried out for now which is good because when the 17th rolls around my sisters may need a dry shirt to cry on. I am going to go finish doing my laundry and pray over my credit score but just remember that tears are ok…..even on a Sunday.
The Open Owl 