Sometimes I….

Sometimes I get in moods and write a post on a whim after lighting a blunt because I fully plan to act like I have no clue what someone is talking about if they show concern after reading it

Sometimes I realize it would be far fetched for someone to actually read this shit lol

Sometimes I stare out the window and purposefully turn on sad music so I can have a melancholy soundtrack to match what’s in my head and try to “cry it out” .

Sometimes I realize how crazy that makes me seem.

Sometimes I take a nap at three in the afternoon and wake up at 3 in the morning.

Sometimes I tell my therapist I’m ok even though I know I’m there to tell her I’m not

Sometimes I miss my mom so much I’ll crawl from the bed to the floor and cry so hard. The definition of agony and anguish becomes so internalized I check to see if my tears have turned into blood

Sometimes I wonder why I put forth so much effort into relationships knowing that it’s pretty common for people to take it for granted…. as some of the closest ones to me constantly do.

Sometimes I act strong for 23 hours all in hoping I can fall apart in private at the 24th hour

Sometimes I wish that every building block I’ve collected in hopes of bettering myself wasn’t obtained by some traumatic life lesson

Sometimes I laugh constantly even though I know I’m one “are you ok” away from a breakdown

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so dramatic

Sometimes I wish I could just be happy to have the good things in life I do have: food, somewhere to lay my head, the ability to wake up in the morning

Sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong with me

Sometimes I don’t care

Sometimes I care too much

Sometimes I just truly believe I have to keep going, acting happy, saving money, working hard, and treating my family and friends the best I can and that one day it’ll all come back to me ten fold and I’ll get all the love respect and peace I’ve been searching for….

….and sometimes….. most times…..I know better than that.