So for this prompt I would like to write a few letters to my immediate family. I’ve always felt like letters are a way to say things to someone that the tongue doesn’t allow to be set free.
To my oldest sister Kattie,
I am sorry. I am sorry that you lost your father and your mother and could not verbally express your sorrow. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel like I could handle taking care of you by myself at 20 years old after mom died. I’m sorry for all the mistakes I may have made during the months that I tried. I’m sorry your autism causes you to view familiarity and routine as comforts and those comforts were taken away from you. I’m sorry I don’t come see you as much to check on you and that I make an excuse because I know you’re being well taken care of. I am sorry I’m not a better little sister.
To my second oldest sister Lisa,
I want to know why? Why I can’t see my niece, why you haven’t called or text me in years, and why I had to find out you were pregnant via social media. I know why. Because Jehovah told you not to. So I guess I mean I want to know why the love you have for me isnt strong enough to push through that. I held your hand during many dark times and it’s insufferable to constantly realize that during my dark times you’re voluntarily staying away. It hurts deeply and you plan on continuing on with your life not letting that pain affect you. I wouldn’t do that to you if the roles were reversed and let’s not forget that at one point they were. I still love you with all of my heart…..even if you only love me from outside of the cage you have sentenced me to.
To my third oldest sister Alex,
Alex fighting! I miss how we used to be when mom was alive, playing video games in my room or you forcing me to watch a Korean drama that shortly thereafter I’d become obsessed with. Though I don’t miss those times as deeply because intertwined in those memories are memories of my toxicity towards you and your being. Your nature differs so much from mine in many ways and my lack of understanding for such a difference but yet annoyance of it during our younger years sickens me. You still piss me off just as much but if I had realized how much I need and love you perhaps I wouldn’t have been so mean. I’m sorry for the role I played in certain past traumas you hold and hope that before I leave this earth I can prove to you how much I love you.
To my fourth oldest sister Latrice,
Yes I have you blocked on Facebook. I find it hard to deal with how your mental disorders manifest and how they make me feel. I often think of our biological mother and traits we may share from her. Or our dads, whoever they may be, and how different they may have been. I remember being bonded together simply in the fact that we shared DNA and the other sisters couldn’t say that. Hell, I have yet to be able to say that to anyone in my life but you. The truth was there than and it’s here now: You scare me. I constantly fear your mental instability is one of the shared traits and mine has just yet to manifest as fiercely. I wish you were just a tad more mentally stable. I wish you could come visit and we could go for coffee and I come play with your children. I wish I didn’t fear for their wellbeing when with you and I wish I didn’t fear for yours. I pray that the universe or whoever is in control of our lives watches over you in ways that I can’t.
To my fifth oldest sister Jasmine,
Bitch I fucking adore you and I cannot stand your trifling ass! Hahaha. The relationship I have with you is the most fierce and complex than the other sisters simply because we are connected so strongly but the deep love for you all is there all around. We are the babies of the McClendone clan but the crazy ones as well. The ones cracking jokes at family reunions and getting in trouble for giggling instead of bowing our heads during prayer. The first person who taught me about sex and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I decided to put my mouth on a mans appendage. The first person I called whenever I was in trouble and needed a way out without getting caught by momma. I want to tell you that you underestimate yourself and there’s a part of our bond I believe that solely relies on me trying to change that. We argue more than anyone in the family but I also believe it’s because we become so frustrated when the other is not doing what we know they should and could be. I’ve always thought your promiscuity stemmed from lack of self love and the search to find it in others. I wish more for you. You make the stupidest decisions sometimes but I’ve learned not to get so angry because you are always the first person to walk me through my own.
To my mother,
I am mad at you. Livid. Furious. YOU LEFT ME HERE! You left me here to deal with life without you and I wasn’t prepared. I’m having such a hard time without you and you should be here. PERIOD. I’m angry at you for dying and I’m angry at myself for being angry at you. As if you had a damn choice. As if you didn’t fight hard for me everyday. But I was your baby. I AM YOUR BABYCAKES! Please come back to me. Even if just for a little while. I promise not to be so angry with you anymore. I’m so sad without you it is sometimes physically unbearable. My existence is in constant turmoil without you mommy, I miss you and I’m just simply not ok without you and never will be. Come back to me. Please
The Open Owl 