Category: Uncategorized

Put It Down

MacLeave a comment

I am one person. One friend, one sister, one student, one employee, one body, one brain, one heart. Knowing this to be true, I am not sure why I feel the need to be more for others.

I am never helping someone or supporting someone for selfish gain. In fact, if I were selfish I wouldn’t do half the shit I do for people. Now I am not saying I’m a fucking saint but I really hate to see anyone I love down in any way. If they’re stressed, I’m stressed. If they’re heartbroken, my heart aches. You get the point.

Lately I have found myself constantly trying to heal and help others. Where’s the issue? I need help. I need to heal. I am always going out of my way to do so for others and often end up also having to do it for myself.

I threw a pity party recently and just kept asking myself why. Why did I offer to pay for their meal when I barely had enough for mine? Why did I agree to going out if I was already overcome with anxiety? A plethora of like-minded questions circle my brain as I laid in the dark.

I’ve talked about being insecure before with you guys and though this may have a little bit of “wanting to be liked/loved” involved I have decided that’s not it. Not this time.

I get it. I understand it. I feel it……deeply. Too deep. I know what it’s like to have your heart ripped away from you from the person you trusted it with and have to carry on like you’re fine. I know what it’s like to look at your bills and being nowhere close to paying them. I know the stress of not knowing how you’re going to get from point A from point B. I feel so so so deeply the pain of internal struggles and having mental conflicts within. I know what it feels like to feel alone and without support.

So I make it a goal to do what I can so that my loved ones and people I care for don’t have to feel that way while in my presence.

But who’s doing that for me? Is that my issue? Are my boxers all in a bunch because I don’t think I’m getting proper return on my “investments”?

I just want the people in my life to act like they appreciate what I do. Not do it for me in return. Just at least act like it’s acknowledged. SOMETHING.

It’s just I am trying so hard to deal with myself. I am a handful. A complete mess. An utter fuck up of mental health. So fucking appreciate the fact that I’m smiling and helping you figure your shit out while I secretly and simultaneously am searching for mine. Act like you understand I have nothing to gain but satisfaction out of knowing I helped you out because I care and still don’t know how to help myself. The five dollars you asked for might have been my last. The time I offered to go do that activity with you, I might have previously dedicated that time to a self care activity. When you lay on my shoulder crying, try to understand more than likely my sleeve that makes that same shoulder so soft has tears of my own soaking through it.

But guess what? No one forced me. Not one person said “if you don’t come we won’t be friends anymore.” Nobody said “if you don’t help me pay for this you will die a horrible death.”

At some point I confused feeling someone’s pain with fixing their pain. I think the worst part is the select few who make me feel bad for deciding I can’t handle their pain after trying to for so long. SO not only is it not appreciated but I am made out to be a bad guy if I don’t. Again, no gun to my head but the subtle implications here and there that I am not as good of a person as they would like me to be for them is loud.

I AM TIRED. I AM TRYING. I AM CARRYING BURDENS THAT AREN’T MINE. I AM HEAVY. I AM DROWNING.

I carry a bag of burdens on my back comprised of certain loved ones struggles. It’s neither appreciated or reciprocated and it’s time to empty the bag. Actually, it’s just time to put it down.

Dropping The Ball

MacLeave a comment

Happy August! Pushing good vibes and positive energy to all of my readers as we begin a new month. I love the beginning of the month because I always view it as a fresh start and no matter how much I thought I couldn’t handle living the month before I still managed to survive. So I am actually really happy to see August arrive because whew chile, the ghetto!

The month of July was a motherfucking shit show guys. From losing prized possessions to crying in the freezer at work next to potatoes and hot sauce. Yesterday, I watched as my friend lit a torch to her wax rig and handed it to me so I could inhale slowly as I swirled the hot pipe around in the sticky substance. As I exhaled slowly, watching the smoke dance in between us, I let out a sigh of relief. It was the first of the month and we made a pact to simply do better, be better. As I got ready for lunch, she artistically drew up my budget for me down to each day of the month. I felt like finally I was in the right mindset to get back on track.

budget saving money GIF

With everything that happened in July I felt so disappointed in myself. The pity party was in full effect. I constantly found myself reminding myself that things were not going at all how I envisioned they would be going at this time in my life.

When I spoke with close friends and family about what I was going through and the feelings of guilt and failure I was overwhelmed they all said pretty much the same thing:

Shit happens Brit. It’s life. Life goes on. Life is full of lessons. Some lessons require a bit of pain. Learn from it and move forward.”-

Big Sis Jazz
hot mess hug GIF by OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network

It still took some convincing on my end. I prided myself for quite some time, especially after losing my mom, on being responsible even through the hardest situations. I genuinely just felt like I dropped the ball, and I did, but the ball was heavy to begin with and I had to remind myself that all I had to do was pick it back up.

It’s August 2, 2019 and dammit I am picking that ball back up. Is it still heavy? Hell yea, maybe even more so than before! I am a strong ass bitch though and I’ve got this. I need to incorporate positive affirmations into my self speech because if I tell myself I can’t do it then I never will. (I can be pretty damn convincing.)

I am excited to see what I do with this month and what I can accomplish. I am rooting for Mac and I am rooting for any of my readers that need to pick up that ball, as heavy as it might be. You can do this!.

Figuring Out How to Figure It Out

Mac

In my absence from this blog I lost my mind. I could not seem to find the common sense and thinking abilities needed to function successfully in society. Since you last heard from ya girl I impulsively quit my job (the one I previously wrote about being so grateful for),dabbled in some drugs (do NOT judge and I will explain later), got into fights, stopped paying just about every bill in my name, and barely left the house.

I won’t lie and pretend that by returning to the blog and writing again it is an indication that I am much better. I AM NOT! I can’t say I’ve come here to share with you the breakthrough I had and provide with you the experience of much needed reflection either. I ain’t got none of that shit for you bud. I’m just here to tell you I am trying to figure out how to figure it out. This is me making a plan to make plans. Setting a goal to make and achieve goals. Making a good decision to make good decisions. I started this blog to provide an outlet and a space for people who felt like noone understood or who just wanted to know there was a girl out there also trying to stay alive despite her fucked up mind. Sometimes, I get discouraged from posting because I feel like nothing will make sense and it will defeat the purpose. But that’s just it! Feeling like nothing I say will make sense and having a hard time expressing, well…..my hard times, is probably the MOST relatable thing I can say on a blog like this.

I need to shower and get ready for work in a bit. (Yes, I found another job and managed to keep my apartment and car) I don’t want to constantly abandon this blog because though I have very few readers I do recognize it as a very important part of my goals and aspirations as a writer and communicator. Later we can discuss why I ALWAYS self sabotage by distancing myself from beneficial things when I become severely depressed, anxious, or saddened. I don’t know why but we can certainly discuss it. See you soon! I fucking promise!!!!!

Are You Part of the Social Media Switch Up?

Mac

The social media switch up is RUTHLESS these days! What is the social media switch up? Let me tell ya.

The social media switch up is when social media completely switches their view or mentality on a person or a subject. Now of course this is generally speaking and not for every individual on the internet. This switch up is not necessarily a factor of “cancel culture” either which is another storm in itself. The social media switch up will turn stans into hecklers over night. This activity thrives on the Twitter front and some victims are well known with names in the lineup like Jaquees, Ariana Grande, and Ella Mai, and most recently Demi Lovato (we most definitely will be discussing her soon).

The victims of the social media switch up that’ll be covered today came as a pair in a way. Ella Mai Howell is an English singer and songwriter who rose to fame with her single Boo’d Up in 2018. This single was EVERYWHERE! Everyone knew the words and were singing along including men with their timbs on and glocks in their pants. It was a whole bop and to top it off Ella is fiiizziinnneee so everyone was stanning. Everything was going great until along came a Jaquees.

Rodriquez Jaquees Broadnax, known as Jaquees, is an American R&B singer. He is most popular for his single B.E.D. in 2016.

When someone decides to “cover” a song that means they sing a song they do not own and that is exactly what Jaquees decided to do with Ella Mai’s Boo’d Up AND her single Trip.

Ella received backlash for removing the remixes and sending cease and desist. It was confirmed that Ella Mai was not to blame because her label sent the documents and removed the covers not her.. However, after seeing support of his covers, Jaquees began to cover more and more songs from other artist and well people got tired of him soon after that. Here is some evidence of this particular social media switch up.

Act 1 of the Quemix Switch Up:

Act 2:

One minute they love you and the next they want you to shut the fuck up. OY VEY!

Now even though these are different people this is the way the general public reacted. This is just one example but it shows that it doesn’t take much for the twittersphere to drag you from a pedestal that they put you on in the first place. So if you’re in the limelight now be careful! The social media switch up could be right behind you!

P.S. Boo’d Up is great but shouldn’t have been Ella Mai’s debut single. Her song “Naked” is MUCH better. Check it out below, see if you agree with me, and have a good day people!

Deep Breaths

Mac

I am taking a deep breath before I begin.

I do find solace in the fact that this blog has like three readers and I won’t have to try to confront these issues with someone who is “worried” and I can just go on with my life as I normally do.

Still, this is not something I have ever shared in writing.

Not for others to read that is.

The Open Owl is an open space and I created it to be a haven for positivity. It would not be a genuinely open space if I wasn’t open myself and admit to my readers that I struggle with positivity and having positive notions. I am not a hypocrite and I DO practice what I preach, doing so just seems to be harder for me than it normally should.

Where is this coming from exactly? Last week I was just discussing living for your passion and how happy I was to be in school to pursue mine. So what happened?

Well first just a little background.

2018 was a really hard year for me. I finally cut ties with a narcissist I had been involved with. I can not say I was dating him because it turns out he had an entire family and….its a long story. Basically, I was a dumbass who ignored the signs of being a sidechick and I heavily beat myself up for not realizing how manipulating he was. That was just one issue. Work was really draining me mentally. It was a commission based job selling cars for Nissan and business was slow and paychecks reflected that but the people were also so drama filled and superficial. Again, that was just another issue.

It seemed that suddenly internal conflicts I thought I had a hold on were surfacing and becoming louder and louder. I was drowning in my thoughts and it manifested physically. I seemed to really start to feel my mothers absence and not just in my life but as an entity in the world. She was really gone and, alone in my apartment every single night, I felt more and more empty. I got sick more frequently and also developed sciatica which made doing anything involving my lower back so painful. I began to feel like I couldn’t do a damn thing right. I couldn’t stop eating, I couldn’t sell cars, I couldn’t keep my house clean, I couldn’t pay my bills, couldn’t get a decent man and one that loved me, I couldn’t be a good Jehovahs Witness. Hell I couldn’t even bend down.

Eventually, something else I couldn’t do was get out of bed. One morning I called off from work with the legitimate reason that I literally couldn’t sit up in bed because of the sciatica. Being in bed the entire day I felt pathetic as food wrappers and cups littered my bed and Netflix flashed on the screen.

But I felt safe in my bed.

In my bed I did not have to seem composed when all I wanted to do was scream. I didn’t have to smile and keep it together when I didn’t want to. In my bed it was ok to burst into tears over anxieties I couldn’t explain.

Many things transpired after that day and not necessarily for the better. I didn’t go to work for a more than a week and probably only kept my job because my boss liked me. He assumed my depression could be attributed to me cutting ties with the guy previously mentioned. Considering how the guy was a previous coworker my boss saw first hand how that could have been a big blow and even though I tried to discuss with him that it was more than that I eventually allowed him to think I was just heartbroken. Honestly, it was better than trying to explain something I was unsure about myself.

Like I said a lot happened in the earlier half of 2018 and it was dark but the last few months of 2018 brought some light. So whats going on now?

Well I don’t know. What I do know is that today I didn’t go to class and I have been in this same spot for the entirety of this day. Now someone may say well it is ok to take a break and a day to relax and that is true. It is what I thought about as I lay in this bed and stagnant in this same spot today that scares me.

I started work as a server yesterday in order to pay the bills seeing as how I have been unemployed for about three months.

I laid here in bed with my feet throbbing thinking, not about the physical aspect of going back to work, but the mental aspect.

It haunted me. It haunts me.

I keep remembering how good it felt to not punch those numbers into the time clock and then begin to feel like a prison mate for the next 8 hours. Being told what to do, how to do it, and even when to eat.

Every time I thought about it today my chest tightened with a daunting intensity.

I then began to chastise myself for such a lazy and ungrateful attitude.

I should be happy to have a way to make money and as an adult what do I expect to do? Live my life without working and hope money falls from the sky?

I laid there and read emails about homework that was due either in a few hours or the next day. I read each email and then made no effort to do any of the assignments. I kept checking my work schedule and just staring at the hours and the days I was being told to report for duty and it made me nauseous.

Just a few days ago I was extremely excited to add work to my list of responsibilities as if being a full time student wasn’t enough. So what happened? I don’t know but the complete mood shift is familiar. Being sad and suddenly having no energy or desire to do absolutely anything was familiar. Being extremely hungry and then having no appetite at all was familiar. Thinking about all the ways life wasn’t how I imagined it should be was familiar.

Constantly seeing my life as a botched plan is heavy but yup you got it…..familiar. Why am I here? What purpose am I serving? Why aren’t things bringing me real joy? Again my chest tightened.

What’s worse is I don’t think my pride will ever allow me to sit and attempt to express these feelings. Would they be conveyed accurately or would I just be viewed as a lazy millennial who has no worth ethic? Or worse yet will I be sent to the top floor of a hospital where I am questioned and have my cellphone and shoestrings taken away?

It’s hard to breathe with all this crashing in my head and its much easier to catch my breath if I lay here and do nothing. Perhaps for today that was acceptable but it wont be tomorrow when its time to clock in. It won’t be acceptable tomorrow when those assignments are due?

So I’ll do what Mac always does and that is pull it together. I will take deep breaths and force myself out of bed. I will go to work and work my shift with a smile. I will go to class with those assignments completed and with a smile. I’ll act like I don’t have these thoughts and I will smile.

Matter of the fact is though (lets keep it a secret between us)………I don’t want to.

Artist Asylum: Middnite Designs

Mac

The Open Owl is dedicated to the creatives and artists who support our vision and use their talents to inspire others and spread good energy to all who come in contact with their work. The first artist to escape from our new segment Artist Asylum is the wonderful and extremely talented Anna Richardson. She is the mastermind behind Middnite Designs. I was able to chat with her and it was the most delightful interview I am sure I will ever conduct perhaps for my entire existence. *Law & Order: SVU intro voice* Here is her story.

Anna Richardson is an exceptional artist in many forms. She draws her characters but also writes in order to bring her visions to life and add exceptional depth to their stories. Her main character Middnite, being a comic personification of Anna’s own identity, is vibrant and strong.

Spending time in her Texas home with her best friend was crucial to her development as an artist. They enjoyed everything together and her world was changed for the better when the duo discovered Pokemon. “We watched tv shows and saturday morning shows too, so when Pokemon came out in our 4th grade year, we threw ourselves into it completely!” They completely immersed themselves in the art world growing around them with Shaman King, Digimon, Kirby, and SailorMoon being the basis of the projects they created for themselves. Soon after, she developed her first prototype comic Dare the World and the creation of that story is what she credits as the moment she knew that this was her dream. Her dream has allowed her to continually grow and progress and an example is the evolution of Dare the World which introduced its prequel, the dynamic story of Dare to Hunt.

The impact of her friends on her progression as an artist did not stop there. As she grew older and entered her highschool years she was fortunate to have a group of friends who were extremely supportive of her dream and efforts. Her access to certain art tools were limited but her friends shared their knowledge and offered how to draw and photo reference books. They also would have “art jams” which if you ask me sound really fun and I can’t even draw a circle. As the oldest of 7, Anna opted to make her family a priority and forego the college experience but in no way did it deter her from pursuing her art. She spoke with artists online and again relied on the support of her art friends who were attending college. Her support group in the art world was so grand she decided to spend the rest of her life with one of them! (Lucky guy!)

As a comic artist, Anna wishes to create many worlds that fester in her “creative mind space.” “Search for the door and push the door open.”- Anna Richardson. She is an avid reader and though I may be biased as a writer I find readers some of my favorite people to converse with. She is influenced by writers like Stephen King, Julie Kagawa, J.K. Rowling, and my personal favorite James Patterson. She studied writing on her own for a long time as well as recommendations from writers friends and her husband who does most of the writing for works that they collaborate on. As a child, though she spent a lot of time taking in the warmth of the Texas sun, she also spent time reading and as a result exploring different worlds. She is a dreamer and began to write down those dreams, scenes, and random ideas.

“Reading is escape, and the opposite of escape; it’s a way to make contact with reality after a day of making things up, and it’s a way of making contact with someone else’s imagination after a day that’s all too real.”- Nora Ephron

So who is Middnite? Middnite is Anna in comic form. Inspired by Stephen King, Middnite is “a lone gunslinger searching for her friends in a post apocalyptic demon infested world.”

The Cast of Dare to Hunt w/ Middnite centered

With a father who was heavily into poetry and often held poetry slams in their backyard, Anna also began to write her own poetry. She wrote her poetry at night being the night owl that she still is today. She would wait until midnight and she would write down her dreams, stories, and her poems. When she formed herself into this beautiful comic character in the midnight hours she gave the character midnight blue hair (lightened over time) and thus the name Middnite came forth!

I love hearing artist speak on why they do what they do. It fills my soul. Inspired by other peoples creations and life, which we all know in itself produces so much to work with, Anna decided to create too and join the fight. Soon she realized that as she was creating very few other creations were ones she could identify with. One black token character is not enough. Where was the diversity?

She wasn’t able to see herself in art and she wanted to change that. She became a voice for her friends, strangers, and artist who looked like her and who all had phenomenal ideas and stories being overlooked and not being represented. Anna exclaims, “it made me push harder to scream out, HEY! WE DRAW TOO! WE GOT IDEAS!”

When you look at her designs and read her stories she wants you to smile. She wants you to feel special. Being able to connect with a cartoon and stories is prevalent and so when she is selling her art and attending conventions and she is stopped and thanked for providing this diversity it is truly grand. People are happy to see her art and see themselves in it and those words of thanks mean so much to her and she holds them close to her heart.

Originally, Anna wanted to be more than a “girl artist” and she wanted to make sure people focused on the art not the artist. After encouragement and reassurance, she is done hiding behind her own drawings. In order to show the personality behind her ingenious characters she is being more transparent and creating even more content like her new vlog and podcast.

Here is the link for her podcast that she created with her husband which is focused on creating and diversity. The podcast is called ArtistWife, WriterHusband! Click here to check it out!

There’s more! I really recommend also checking out her youtube vlog ArtistWife, WriterHusband and you can do so by clicking here.

Not done yet! You can also follow her on Instagram @middnite_designs

“I can’t avoid creating. It’s my passion, and my obsession also.” – Anna Richardson

Is College A Scam?

Mac

So you’re in college and you feel like you’re just wasting your time. Perhaps you’re wondering if it is even going to be worth it in the end. Guess what? You probably are wasting your time……….. IF you’re in school for all the wrong reasons. If you are going to school for something that you love and passionate about I really don’t see it as money wasted but instead knowledge gained.

Going through the struggle, and let’s be quite honest, the damn near trauma of college life is not something you want to do out of obligation. If you attend college because you feel it is what’s expected of you or because you feel like it is the only way to get a job and earn a living you may be in for a shock after graduation.

It is not uncommon for degree holders to hold the same positions after graduation as many with only a high-school diploma. Is that always the case? Most definitely not! However, remember that a degree does not always equal a guaranteed job after you cross that stage. The work that needs to be put in in order to utilize all that information you just took in over the course of four years is often looked over. If you are in a field that you aren’t ready to put the work into in order to thrive then it may not be for you. That is not to say that you cannot be successful either. There are many who are extremely successful and more than financially stable who never even bothered to apply to a college. People do not speak on it much but deciding to pursue higher education really has to be in your heart or you will always feel like you are wasting your time, trust me.

College may be right for you but you may still be in the wrong major. I really revel in the fact that I am attending school for the second time and this time it is for something I love. Going to classes and doing homework is so much easier for me when I know I am learning how to make a career out of something I would do for free! Hell I’m doing it right now!

I used to think STEM majors must be miserable with all that math and was surprised to meet the students sincerely excited to become engineers and mathematicians. What I’m saying is don’t go if you don’t want it and that does NOT mean don’t go if you don’t want to wake up early or don’t go because you don’t feel like doing homework. Go because you dream of holding that degree in your hand. Go because you can’t see yourself doing anything else and jump at any opportunity to become better at your passion. If you already started college or thinking about it but don’t know if you have that passion yet I hope that it finds you.

What Lies Behind Your Biggest Insecurity?

Mac

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (I checked to make sure this was grammatically correct instead of saying “New Year’s” with that damn possessive apostrophe.)

I hope the holiday season was fun and enjoyable for you and best wishes for all this year! I have a good feeling about this year you guys and not because of what astrology says 2019 has in store for Gemini’s. 2019 will be the year that regardless of what happens Mac falls in love with herself. I don’t mean in a situationship, bootycall, Tinder hook up kind of way either. I am talking full on can’t eat, can’t sleep, boombox and lawnmowers, “pick me, choose me, love me”, kind of way.

I have definitely taken my time with it but I FINALLY know why really falling in love with myself has been so hard. I haven’t been oblivious to the fact that I have never really been my own fan but I have ALWAYS contributed it to my physical appearance. There are actually a few things standing in the way of my personal growth and feeling ugly has really just been a mask. As long as I can remember I was constantly being teased for my dark skin or unrelenting acne from a very young age. I just want to interject here that little kids can be mean as fuck. I was always made fun of and called “darkie, pimple face, four eyes, etc.” (I said they were mean never said they were creative.)

The insult I hated the most and the one that most often led to tears in a bathroom stall was hands down being called Celie from the movie The Color Purple. In 5th grade coming back from lunch a boy pushed me and as he walked by said, “You sholl is ugly.” I wanted nothing more than to be invisible. I faked sick and was able to score an early dismissal but simply returned to the torture the next day.

Only like two or three people know about the hatred I held for Whoopi Goldberg for such a long time. The whole color purple thing and how insecure it makes me is actually a secret. True story. Even typing these words there is a knot in my stomach. I mean it really fucked me up growing up and even today it bothers me in a way that is hard to explain. Especially, because I am usually the first one to laugh at myself but this one burns each and every time. If I was around and someone mentioned her name I would scurry to find an escape so the correlation couldn’t be made. I hated (still do a little) when people would say, “you know who you look like?” for fear I would have to laugh off what I used to consider someones way of calling me ugly without actually saying it. Anyways, from a very young age I despised myself for not being prettier and instead of blaming evil children I blamed noone but myself…… and Whoopi Goldberg.

Fast forward to highschool where big lips, titties, and a secret boyfriend came into play. Definitely not what you want a woman or a young girl to base her confidence on but yet there I was. It also helped for me that my boyfriend was super fine and if we are being honest, though our last encounter sucked major ass, I STILL think KGG is handsome as can be.

STORY TIME!

I asked my mother one day as she cooked in the kitchen, after being called ugly my junior year by some boys, if she thought I was pretty. Her reply, ” I think you’re gorgeous babycakes…..especially when you want to be.” Her saying “especially when you want to be” would mean more to me years later than it did then. “You’re just saying that because moms have to say that,” I whined. She threw a bag of yams on the table and picked one up to begin peeling and said, ” One. Stop whining or go downstairs. Two. I do not HAVE to do anything understand that. Three. Are you calling me a liar?” The LAST thing you did as a black child was call an elder a liar so with a quickness I exclaimed, “No, I think maybe you are a little biased though.” “Maybe so,” she said nodding towards an extra peeler signaling for me to make myself useful, “but EVERYONE is ugly to SOMEBODY and to me you are as cute as can be. You asked me and there is my answer. Understood?”

Ever since then I stopped trying to be pretty for others yet still struggled, for my own sake, to find this damn beauty my mother mentioned. Hell, I still haven’t found it but I am definitely well on my way.

Recently I have just been feeling myself. When I “want to be” I am cute as hell. I even start to feel vain as I snap copious amounts of pictures so I can prove that I look good and have some lasting evidence that it can happen. However, now that I have been able to remove this mask of physical insecurity I realized it’s some heavy shit under here. From facing issues like deciding whether I truly am a homebody or am I just depressed to realizing my ENTIRE life has been based on a religious belief that just doesn’t seem believable to me anymore! 2019 is the year I really sift through and chip away at all of these internal struggles to reveal my true self. In 2019 and the years to follow I am going to love the hell out of myself and look good doing it.

P.S. Shout out to Whoopi. A beautiful soul is what she appears to be and that’s inside AND out.

Unapologetic Growth

Mac

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR GROWTH!

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR GROWTH!!!!

These past few weeks have been really testing me. Testing my patience, my kindness, my anger management, and my ability to block out negativity. Some tests I passed, some I failed but was close to passing, and some I didn’t even pick up the pencil for. Despite the results, these past few weeks have made me realize that during each encounter I found myself explaining and defending my newly acquired attributes.

In the past, I was loud but even louder when angry or defensive. Very petty when arguing and hell bent on making sure you knew I was right and that you were wrong. Never turned down a chance to exert my ability to make you feel worse than you made me feel. It took a lot for me to calm down and very rarely would I be interested in an opposing perspective.

Now, to be clear, if you put your hands on me be prepared to head towards the white light you will see in your dreams after I knock you the fuck out. I grew up with 5 other girls which is worst than having brothers and a mentally unstable person taught me to fight. I am not the one. HOWEVER, I will do everything in my power to avoid such gruesome violence.

For example, while at odds with a close family member I found myself apologizing for not being loud and for not wanting to go back and forth with her since I was aware that’s what she is used to me doing. I explained that since she hadn’t seen me in a while I had grown and did not act in such a manner anymore. I felt like I had to let her know I wasn’t being fake or patronizing. Instead of making me defensive over something I have been quite proud of, there should have been more appreciation for the change in attitude.

Now, you may not even choose to have these encounters with negativity where your clearly opposing positive stance has to be defended. If someone is always bringing drama and negativity they have to go. If they are never supporting or even encouraging your mental health and your determination to be a better you, then don’t immerse yourself in their company. Your absence doesn’t have to be explained.

Sometimes I wonder if that has happened to me before. If so, I can only apologize for being that toxic person to them at that time. Would I like the opportunity to personally apologize for those I have drained, of course, but it is done and I have to try to move forward with the intention to avoid making someone feel that way again. It sucks to think about it but it is very possible we were someones negativity that they had to get rid of and we may not have even been aware of it. If you were toxic in any way, they shouldn’t have to apologize for kicking you to the curb. You have to protect your energy and do what you can to maintain a positive outlook on being and doing better, no apologies needed.

I am learning to not give so much importance to obtaining closure from other people. I have to tell myself that people are allowed to do whatever they want and every action of theirs does not have to be explained to me. It is hard to grasp that someone out there may feel the need to cut me off WITHOUT giving me the opportunity to defend myself. Again, perhaps it was something they may feel they need to do to protect their space and well-being and they have EVERY right to do so, as do I, and as do you!

With all of that being said, lets again reiterate that growth is a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of showing and acting upon. I take pride in the fact that when I am very angry I know to quiet my thoughts and wind down my anger before I speak or act. (There was a recent incident this week at my job(now previous) that involved loud words and me in my bra hurling articles of clothing that we shall not discuss right now.)

I ask myself questions about other sides of an argument so that I can better communicate when I disagree with others. It has become much easier to humble myself and admit when I was in the wrong while simultaneously defending points I feel strongly about or feel I was justified in doing. Considering how these things did not come naturally to my persona and I have to continuously work at them, I refuse to feel bad or “phony” for such positive changes.

If someone does ostracize or criticize positive improvement it will say ALOT about their character. It is important to take note of those reactions and act accordingly to protect yourself and your well-being.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR GROWTH!

How To Subtract The Negative and Add The Positive

Mac

Hey guys, I know I said I was going to do better with posting more consistently and clearly I have failed you. However, I am back now and actually bringing something to the table this time!

So, I don’t think I told you guys but ya girl is officially back in the young college game! I made excuse after excuse about why I couldn’t go back. I had 2 more semesters before I graduated with my associates in science and my license as a Paramedic back when I lived in the Chi. So close!

After my mom died I dropped out of the program and about three months later moved to Tennessee to start over. It was my way of finding light in a very dark time. Anyways, ever since then I had convinced myself that I was barely making it on my own there was no way I could add school into the mix. So what happened, what changed?

I DID.

I made a vow to myself to be a better woman, a better friend, a better person, and the best version of me. I will talk about this self-reflection and transformation in more detail another time but the main thing was deciding to adopt a positive nature. Not just attitude but nature. The more I looked inside myself the more I realized I was just one negative ass bitch! Like really! It was crazy to see how negative I was about my own self especially. Ranging from the guys I got tangled up with and the positions I allowed myself to be in out of “love” to what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was not where it was at! It was a little scary because I love to laugh and I am always there for my friends to be supportive and encouraging. When it came to Brittney though I was the least positive! Realizing that the inner me was this dark and kind of angry soul I was like WHO ARE YOU?!

I had been so focused on dealing with the death of my mom, the exiling from The Organization (and all my friends and everyone I was close to), the feeling of failing academically, and then being heartbroken by the guy I loved(AGAIN), and other struggles that I had not even realized that this girl had set up shop in my soul. That dark hoe had to go!

So clearly the first step was realizing she was there. (I am trying so hard not to personify this negative energy any more than I already have but if you want to indulge me you can secretly call her Leila.) Anywho, I realized that I had a lot of negative energy and I wanted to get rid of it. ASAP! She was stunting my growth as a queen and sitting on my throne.

I have got a question for you.

How do you get rid of a negative integer in a math equation? (I have to take a math class this semester so I need other people to suffer with me even if just a little.)

In order to change a negative integer to a positive you implement addition. You add a positive integer equal to or larger than the negative and it really is just that simple. But as is such with a lot of math equations, it does not always seem so simple. It seems especially difficult if you’re new to the concept. Making a conscious effort to add positive energy into your life to combat the negative is really a battle. For me it is really a magic trick actually because of my anxiety and overthinking. It’s not even that I always look at the glass half empty but my brain wants me to constantly be aware of all the possible ways to add a negative connotation to the water that is there. Will someone knock it over? Will it eventually evaporate? How clean is this water in the glass? Where is the rest of the water? What did I do to only deserve half? Why does it look like everyone else has more water than me?

It is NOT EASY but I am telling you guys you have to find a way to add that positive. For example, I am so happy to have clean drinking water. This is actually a really pretty glass! If I didn’t have this water man would I be thirsty! Water is so good for my body. Hell, even though it’s not a lot I can put this water into the freezer and make ice and put it in my wine! You see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

What has helped me a lot is starting my day off by adding some positive energy into my soul. Take time to do that math. Wake up and tell yourself what you are grateful for. Treat yourself to some good music while you get ready for your day or during your commute. If you are one of those super ninjas who can wake up and exercise go ahead and add those good, those POSITIVE endorphins, into your routine. I like to start my days with an addition of positive energy for this reason: I know that sometimes living in the world we live in (especially for myself being a double minority: African American Female and having no parental structures), negative aspects find their way to us and it’s unavoidable. BUT if I start off adding a surplus of the positive, even after the negative does all of it’s subtracting I am still left in the positive!

Think of it like a mental bank account. If you tell yourself you’re beautiful and deserving of the best kind of love and respect after dealing with a no shit nigga guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

If you tell yourself everyday that no matter what happens you KNOW you are going to walk across that stage and get that degree even when school starts tapping that ass guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

When life in general just really seems to be out to get you whether it is mentally, financially, or physically but you make time everyday to appreciate the things in life that you are grateful for, guess who is still able to afford a good mental rental space!? IT IS YOU MY FRIEND!

Listen Linda. I am at work right now sick as a dog, barely finished my homework prior to writing this, and trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my landlord for breaking my lease AND pay the deposit on the new place all while affording my new car note. I. AM. SKRESSED. OK! SKRESSED! The K stands for “kill me now.” But guess what?

I BEGGED to be enrolled in school this semester. There were hiccups with loans and fasfa and transcripts that I prayed would resolve themselves. I asked for this homework and this homework will take me one step closer to my dream job. If you read my first post you know I have been without a car since July. I HAVE A CAR NOW. A brand new one at that and with a good interest rate! I will be switching jobs soon and I currently live in a different city than my school so moving to this new place actually saves me money and a long commute because it is across the street from campus! I can even sleep later than usual chile it is a whole blessing!

When you’re in the negative subtract it out of your life by adding the positive. I am definitely a work in progress but it appears the more that I actively look to add positive energy into my soul the more aware I am of blocking out the negative. If you have a way of doing this that you would like to share with me or you just want to relay your battle with negative energy then put it in the comments! Until next time, KEEP THOSE HEADS UP AND DO YOUR MATH!