I searched Facebook tonight for events happening in my area and what I stumbled upon made me realize I might have bigger issues than what to do on a Friday night.
BlackGirlChatt’s 1st Annual: The Launch Party. A night of drinks and conversations with some motivated and determined black women sounds right up my alley.
I am determined to make 2020 matter. These past few years I have been simply trying not to drown and I think 2020 is the year I start swimming (even if I have to start off with an enthusiastic doggy paddle).
My excitement grew as I explored the event page. Cocktail attire meant I finally would have a reason to attempt to beat my face, which I am sure would be only slightly successful. Drinks would be available and that is always a plus in my book.
Though I adore the friends I have made here in Chattanooga, I cannot dismiss the fact that throwing some much needed melanin into my circle of friends would definitely make me happy. It’s kind of like how no matter how many languages you may be fluent in, it will always feel good to have a conversation in your native tongue.
What would I know though? I barely made it out of Spanish 4 alive. Dios mio!
As I clicked on what the event was geared towards and who were some of the figures attending, my desire to attend waned.
Scared isn’t the word. Intimidated is more like it. I slowly started to convince myself I would not belong.
Am I a black girl? Yea. Do I want to chat? If you met me you know I never shutup. But am I doing absolutely anything where I would be able to bring something of value to the conversation?
No.
I don’t have a business. No grand innovative idea to bring the community closer together. No works to share or services to offer. No advice to give.
I realize this event is to build connections not just have fun and I simultaneously realize I lack any outlets for someone to plug into.
Anxiety, my old friend, how are you? Staying long?
On the flip side, I have been telling myself that perhaps this is where I start in order to gain these things. Perhaps I need to surround myself with the kind of people who are already doing great things so I can follow in their foot steps and eventually pave my own way.
I want to hear how people got their ideas/goals to become tangible sources of income. I want to talk about my ideas, though they seem small and insignificant at times.
The reason why my goals usually begin and end on paper is because I am too scared that I am not enough to carry them out. Just like I am too scared that I am not enough to converse and mingle with these women tonight.
Fear of inadequacy is a bitch and if I decide to fight her tonight and attend this party I promise to let you know how it goes! I think it is time for me to not only be black but black AND a badass!
-Mac
The Open Owl 