Tag: life

The What If Carousel?

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Ladies, do you ever find yourself laying down, minding your own business, and suddenly there’s a pain that shoots right through your boob? In that moment you think “oh god this is it! My time has come! I see the light!”

I’m not here to talk about random titty pain. In that moment, even if just for those few seconds, I hop onto the “what if” carousel. What if it’s breast cancer? What if I’m having a heart attack? What if this is something serious? What if I go to the doctor and they don’t take me serious? What if I die because the physician is racist and didn’t think I deserved the correct test? What if I die right now and when people find my body they find my vibrator next to me instead of a bible?

All jokes aside the What If Carousel is a scary place and for those with anxiety the ride is longer and much harder to hope off of. I find myself settling onto my horse, holding onto my pole, going in circles, completely ignoring all the signs saying I’ve exceeded the expected ride time.

My days are filled with thinking of possible negative outcomes, ignoring very possible positive outcomes, and these days often I become void of any action at all because of it. Just imagine the viciousness of the What If Carousel of someone with agoraphobia? It breaks my heart to even fathom.

What if my candles aren’t good quality? What if I don’t pass this exam? What if I can’t pay rent next month? What if I’m deathly ill and unaware? What if my friends think I’m super annoying and just put up with me? What if I’ll be alone forever? What if I’ll always be reaching for success but never grab it? What if Jehovahs Witnesses are right and I’m gonna die forever? What if I’m the only one that thinks what I write is worth reading?

Lately I’ve been riding on my own carousel moreso than normal. I really want to get off and get shit done.

These questions or similar ones occupy my mind often. The other day I had to scrape up some weed (too poor to buy some because ya know priorities and shit). My carousel had started moving waaaay too fast. It wasn’t a fun ride. Scary is what it was.

I sat on the edge of my tub with the shower running, paying no mind to the water covering the floor, and exhaled through a straw. (A breathing technique I’ve learned that has carried me through many panic attacks) Eventually I felt Mary Janes presence, took my shower, ate the food I had previously lost all appetite for, and went to sleep.

When I woke up you know what I said? My first thought the next morning was “what if I always need Mary Jane to save me?” And then I started my carousel up for the day………

February 1: Things Unsaid

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So for this prompt I would like to write a few letters to my immediate family. I’ve always felt like letters are a way to say things to someone that the tongue doesn’t allow to be set free.

To my oldest sister Kattie,

I am sorry. I am sorry that you lost your father and your mother and could not verbally express your sorrow. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel like I could handle taking care of you by myself at 20 years old after mom died. I’m sorry for all the mistakes I may have made during the months that I tried. I’m sorry your autism causes you to view familiarity and routine as comforts and those comforts were taken away from you. I’m sorry I don’t come see you as much to check on you and that I make an excuse because I know you’re being well taken care of. I am sorry I’m not a better little sister.

To my second oldest sister Lisa,

I want to know why? Why I can’t see my niece, why you haven’t called or text me in years, and why I had to find out you were pregnant via social media. I know why. Because Jehovah told you not to. So I guess I mean I want to know why the love you have for me isnt strong enough to push through that. I held your hand during many dark times and it’s insufferable to constantly realize that during my dark times you’re voluntarily staying away. It hurts deeply and you plan on continuing on with your life not letting that pain affect you. I wouldn’t do that to you if the roles were reversed and let’s not forget that at one point they were. I still love you with all of my heart…..even if you only love me from outside of the cage you have sentenced me to.

To my third oldest sister Alex,

Alex fighting! I miss how we used to be when mom was alive, playing video games in my room or you forcing me to watch a Korean drama that shortly thereafter I’d become obsessed with. Though I don’t miss those times as deeply because intertwined in those memories are memories of my toxicity towards you and your being. Your nature differs so much from mine in many ways and my lack of understanding for such a difference but yet annoyance of it during our younger years sickens me. You still piss me off just as much but if I had realized how much I need and love you perhaps I wouldn’t have been so mean. I’m sorry for the role I played in certain past traumas you hold and hope that before I leave this earth I can prove to you how much I love you.

To my fourth oldest sister Latrice,

Yes I have you blocked on Facebook. I find it hard to deal with how your mental disorders manifest and how they make me feel. I often think of our biological mother and traits we may share from her. Or our dads, whoever they may be, and how different they may have been. I remember being bonded together simply in the fact that we shared DNA and the other sisters couldn’t say that. Hell, I have yet to be able to say that to anyone in my life but you. The truth was there than and it’s here now: You scare me. I constantly fear your mental instability is one of the shared traits and mine has just yet to manifest as fiercely. I wish you were just a tad more mentally stable. I wish you could come visit and we could go for coffee and I come play with your children. I wish I didn’t fear for their wellbeing when with you and I wish I didn’t fear for yours. I pray that the universe or whoever is in control of our lives watches over you in ways that I can’t.

To my fifth oldest sister Jasmine,

Bitch I fucking adore you and I cannot stand your trifling ass! Hahaha. The relationship I have with you is the most fierce and complex than the other sisters simply because we are connected so strongly but the deep love for you all is there all around. We are the babies of the McClendone clan but the crazy ones as well. The ones cracking jokes at family reunions and getting in trouble for giggling instead of bowing our heads during prayer. The first person who taught me about sex and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I decided to put my mouth on a mans appendage. The first person I called whenever I was in trouble and needed a way out without getting caught by momma. I want to tell you that you underestimate yourself and there’s a part of our bond I believe that solely relies on me trying to change that. We argue more than anyone in the family but I also believe it’s because we become so frustrated when the other is not doing what we know they should and could be. I’ve always thought your promiscuity stemmed from lack of self love and the search to find it in others. I wish more for you. You make the stupidest decisions sometimes but I’ve learned not to get so angry because you are always the first person to walk me through my own.

To my mother,

I am mad at you. Livid. Furious. YOU LEFT ME HERE! You left me here to deal with life without you and I wasn’t prepared. I’m having such a hard time without you and you should be here. PERIOD. I’m angry at you for dying and I’m angry at myself for being angry at you. As if you had a damn choice. As if you didn’t fight hard for me everyday. But I was your baby. I AM YOUR BABYCAKES! Please come back to me. Even if just for a little while. I promise not to be so angry with you anymore. I’m so sad without you it is sometimes physically unbearable. My existence is in constant turmoil without you mommy, I miss you and I’m just simply not ok without you and never will be. Come back to me. Please

Black and Badass

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I searched Facebook tonight for events happening in my area and what I stumbled upon made me realize I might have bigger issues than what to do on a Friday night.

BlackGirlChatt’s 1st Annual: The Launch Party. A night of drinks and conversations with some motivated and determined black women sounds right up my alley.

I am determined to make 2020 matter. These past few years I have been simply trying not to drown and I think 2020 is the year I start swimming (even if I have to start off with an enthusiastic doggy paddle).

My excitement grew as I explored the event page. Cocktail attire meant I finally would have a reason to attempt to beat my face, which I am sure would be only slightly successful. Drinks would be available and that is always a plus in my book.

Though I adore the friends I have made here in Chattanooga, I cannot dismiss the fact that throwing some much needed melanin into my circle of friends would definitely make me happy. It’s kind of like how no matter how many languages you may be fluent in, it will always feel good to have a conversation in your native tongue.

What would I know though? I barely made it out of Spanish 4 alive. Dios mio!

As I clicked on what the event was geared towards and who were some of the figures attending, my desire to attend waned.

Scared isn’t the word. Intimidated is more like it. I slowly started to convince myself I would not belong.

Am I a black girl? Yea. Do I want to chat? If you met me you know I never shutup. But am I doing absolutely anything where I would be able to bring something of value to the conversation?

No.

I don’t have a business. No grand innovative idea to bring the community closer together. No works to share or services to offer. No advice to give.

I realize this event is to build connections not just have fun and I simultaneously realize I lack any outlets for someone to plug into.

Anxiety, my old friend, how are you? Staying long?

On the flip side, I have been telling myself that perhaps this is where I start in order to gain these things. Perhaps I need to surround myself with the kind of people who are already doing great things so I can follow in their foot steps and eventually pave my own way.

I want to hear how people got their ideas/goals to become tangible sources of income. I want to talk about my ideas, though they seem small and insignificant at times.

The reason why my goals usually begin and end on paper is because I am too scared that I am not enough to carry them out. Just like I am too scared that I am not enough to converse and mingle with these women tonight.

Fear of inadequacy is a bitch and if I decide to fight her tonight and attend this party I promise to let you know how it goes! I think it is time for me to not only be black but black AND a badass!

-Mac

Dropping The Ball

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Happy August! Pushing good vibes and positive energy to all of my readers as we begin a new month. I love the beginning of the month because I always view it as a fresh start and no matter how much I thought I couldn’t handle living the month before I still managed to survive. So I am actually really happy to see August arrive because whew chile, the ghetto!

The month of July was a motherfucking shit show guys. From losing prized possessions to crying in the freezer at work next to potatoes and hot sauce. Yesterday, I watched as my friend lit a torch to her wax rig and handed it to me so I could inhale slowly as I swirled the hot pipe around in the sticky substance. As I exhaled slowly, watching the smoke dance in between us, I let out a sigh of relief. It was the first of the month and we made a pact to simply do better, be better. As I got ready for lunch, she artistically drew up my budget for me down to each day of the month. I felt like finally I was in the right mindset to get back on track.

budget saving money GIF

With everything that happened in July I felt so disappointed in myself. The pity party was in full effect. I constantly found myself reminding myself that things were not going at all how I envisioned they would be going at this time in my life.

When I spoke with close friends and family about what I was going through and the feelings of guilt and failure I was overwhelmed they all said pretty much the same thing:

Shit happens Brit. It’s life. Life goes on. Life is full of lessons. Some lessons require a bit of pain. Learn from it and move forward.”-

Big Sis Jazz
hot mess hug GIF by OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network

It still took some convincing on my end. I prided myself for quite some time, especially after losing my mom, on being responsible even through the hardest situations. I genuinely just felt like I dropped the ball, and I did, but the ball was heavy to begin with and I had to remind myself that all I had to do was pick it back up.

It’s August 2, 2019 and dammit I am picking that ball back up. Is it still heavy? Hell yea, maybe even more so than before! I am a strong ass bitch though and I’ve got this. I need to incorporate positive affirmations into my self speech because if I tell myself I can’t do it then I never will. (I can be pretty damn convincing.)

I am excited to see what I do with this month and what I can accomplish. I am rooting for Mac and I am rooting for any of my readers that need to pick up that ball, as heavy as it might be. You can do this!.

Is College A Scam?

Mac

So you’re in college and you feel like you’re just wasting your time. Perhaps you’re wondering if it is even going to be worth it in the end. Guess what? You probably are wasting your time……….. IF you’re in school for all the wrong reasons. If you are going to school for something that you love and passionate about I really don’t see it as money wasted but instead knowledge gained.

Going through the struggle, and let’s be quite honest, the damn near trauma of college life is not something you want to do out of obligation. If you attend college because you feel it is what’s expected of you or because you feel like it is the only way to get a job and earn a living you may be in for a shock after graduation.

It is not uncommon for degree holders to hold the same positions after graduation as many with only a high-school diploma. Is that always the case? Most definitely not! However, remember that a degree does not always equal a guaranteed job after you cross that stage. The work that needs to be put in in order to utilize all that information you just took in over the course of four years is often looked over. If you are in a field that you aren’t ready to put the work into in order to thrive then it may not be for you. That is not to say that you cannot be successful either. There are many who are extremely successful and more than financially stable who never even bothered to apply to a college. People do not speak on it much but deciding to pursue higher education really has to be in your heart or you will always feel like you are wasting your time, trust me.

College may be right for you but you may still be in the wrong major. I really revel in the fact that I am attending school for the second time and this time it is for something I love. Going to classes and doing homework is so much easier for me when I know I am learning how to make a career out of something I would do for free! Hell I’m doing it right now!

I used to think STEM majors must be miserable with all that math and was surprised to meet the students sincerely excited to become engineers and mathematicians. What I’m saying is don’t go if you don’t want it and that does NOT mean don’t go if you don’t want to wake up early or don’t go because you don’t feel like doing homework. Go because you dream of holding that degree in your hand. Go because you can’t see yourself doing anything else and jump at any opportunity to become better at your passion. If you already started college or thinking about it but don’t know if you have that passion yet I hope that it finds you.

What Lies Behind Your Biggest Insecurity?

Mac

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (I checked to make sure this was grammatically correct instead of saying “New Year’s” with that damn possessive apostrophe.)

I hope the holiday season was fun and enjoyable for you and best wishes for all this year! I have a good feeling about this year you guys and not because of what astrology says 2019 has in store for Gemini’s. 2019 will be the year that regardless of what happens Mac falls in love with herself. I don’t mean in a situationship, bootycall, Tinder hook up kind of way either. I am talking full on can’t eat, can’t sleep, boombox and lawnmowers, “pick me, choose me, love me”, kind of way.

I have definitely taken my time with it but I FINALLY know why really falling in love with myself has been so hard. I haven’t been oblivious to the fact that I have never really been my own fan but I have ALWAYS contributed it to my physical appearance. There are actually a few things standing in the way of my personal growth and feeling ugly has really just been a mask. As long as I can remember I was constantly being teased for my dark skin or unrelenting acne from a very young age. I just want to interject here that little kids can be mean as fuck. I was always made fun of and called “darkie, pimple face, four eyes, etc.” (I said they were mean never said they were creative.)

The insult I hated the most and the one that most often led to tears in a bathroom stall was hands down being called Celie from the movie The Color Purple. In 5th grade coming back from lunch a boy pushed me and as he walked by said, “You sholl is ugly.” I wanted nothing more than to be invisible. I faked sick and was able to score an early dismissal but simply returned to the torture the next day.

Only like two or three people know about the hatred I held for Whoopi Goldberg for such a long time. The whole color purple thing and how insecure it makes me is actually a secret. True story. Even typing these words there is a knot in my stomach. I mean it really fucked me up growing up and even today it bothers me in a way that is hard to explain. Especially, because I am usually the first one to laugh at myself but this one burns each and every time. If I was around and someone mentioned her name I would scurry to find an escape so the correlation couldn’t be made. I hated (still do a little) when people would say, “you know who you look like?” for fear I would have to laugh off what I used to consider someones way of calling me ugly without actually saying it. Anyways, from a very young age I despised myself for not being prettier and instead of blaming evil children I blamed noone but myself…… and Whoopi Goldberg.

Fast forward to highschool where big lips, titties, and a secret boyfriend came into play. Definitely not what you want a woman or a young girl to base her confidence on but yet there I was. It also helped for me that my boyfriend was super fine and if we are being honest, though our last encounter sucked major ass, I STILL think KGG is handsome as can be.

STORY TIME!

I asked my mother one day as she cooked in the kitchen, after being called ugly my junior year by some boys, if she thought I was pretty. Her reply, ” I think you’re gorgeous babycakes…..especially when you want to be.” Her saying “especially when you want to be” would mean more to me years later than it did then. “You’re just saying that because moms have to say that,” I whined. She threw a bag of yams on the table and picked one up to begin peeling and said, ” One. Stop whining or go downstairs. Two. I do not HAVE to do anything understand that. Three. Are you calling me a liar?” The LAST thing you did as a black child was call an elder a liar so with a quickness I exclaimed, “No, I think maybe you are a little biased though.” “Maybe so,” she said nodding towards an extra peeler signaling for me to make myself useful, “but EVERYONE is ugly to SOMEBODY and to me you are as cute as can be. You asked me and there is my answer. Understood?”

Ever since then I stopped trying to be pretty for others yet still struggled, for my own sake, to find this damn beauty my mother mentioned. Hell, I still haven’t found it but I am definitely well on my way.

Recently I have just been feeling myself. When I “want to be” I am cute as hell. I even start to feel vain as I snap copious amounts of pictures so I can prove that I look good and have some lasting evidence that it can happen. However, now that I have been able to remove this mask of physical insecurity I realized it’s some heavy shit under here. From facing issues like deciding whether I truly am a homebody or am I just depressed to realizing my ENTIRE life has been based on a religious belief that just doesn’t seem believable to me anymore! 2019 is the year I really sift through and chip away at all of these internal struggles to reveal my true self. In 2019 and the years to follow I am going to love the hell out of myself and look good doing it.

P.S. Shout out to Whoopi. A beautiful soul is what she appears to be and that’s inside AND out.

How To Subtract The Negative and Add The Positive

Mac

Hey guys, I know I said I was going to do better with posting more consistently and clearly I have failed you. However, I am back now and actually bringing something to the table this time!

So, I don’t think I told you guys but ya girl is officially back in the young college game! I made excuse after excuse about why I couldn’t go back. I had 2 more semesters before I graduated with my associates in science and my license as a Paramedic back when I lived in the Chi. So close!

After my mom died I dropped out of the program and about three months later moved to Tennessee to start over. It was my way of finding light in a very dark time. Anyways, ever since then I had convinced myself that I was barely making it on my own there was no way I could add school into the mix. So what happened, what changed?

I DID.

I made a vow to myself to be a better woman, a better friend, a better person, and the best version of me. I will talk about this self-reflection and transformation in more detail another time but the main thing was deciding to adopt a positive nature. Not just attitude but nature. The more I looked inside myself the more I realized I was just one negative ass bitch! Like really! It was crazy to see how negative I was about my own self especially. Ranging from the guys I got tangled up with and the positions I allowed myself to be in out of “love” to what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was not where it was at! It was a little scary because I love to laugh and I am always there for my friends to be supportive and encouraging. When it came to Brittney though I was the least positive! Realizing that the inner me was this dark and kind of angry soul I was like WHO ARE YOU?!

I had been so focused on dealing with the death of my mom, the exiling from The Organization (and all my friends and everyone I was close to), the feeling of failing academically, and then being heartbroken by the guy I loved(AGAIN), and other struggles that I had not even realized that this girl had set up shop in my soul. That dark hoe had to go!

So clearly the first step was realizing she was there. (I am trying so hard not to personify this negative energy any more than I already have but if you want to indulge me you can secretly call her Leila.) Anywho, I realized that I had a lot of negative energy and I wanted to get rid of it. ASAP! She was stunting my growth as a queen and sitting on my throne.

I have got a question for you.

How do you get rid of a negative integer in a math equation? (I have to take a math class this semester so I need other people to suffer with me even if just a little.)

In order to change a negative integer to a positive you implement addition. You add a positive integer equal to or larger than the negative and it really is just that simple. But as is such with a lot of math equations, it does not always seem so simple. It seems especially difficult if you’re new to the concept. Making a conscious effort to add positive energy into your life to combat the negative is really a battle. For me it is really a magic trick actually because of my anxiety and overthinking. It’s not even that I always look at the glass half empty but my brain wants me to constantly be aware of all the possible ways to add a negative connotation to the water that is there. Will someone knock it over? Will it eventually evaporate? How clean is this water in the glass? Where is the rest of the water? What did I do to only deserve half? Why does it look like everyone else has more water than me?

It is NOT EASY but I am telling you guys you have to find a way to add that positive. For example, I am so happy to have clean drinking water. This is actually a really pretty glass! If I didn’t have this water man would I be thirsty! Water is so good for my body. Hell, even though it’s not a lot I can put this water into the freezer and make ice and put it in my wine! You see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

What has helped me a lot is starting my day off by adding some positive energy into my soul. Take time to do that math. Wake up and tell yourself what you are grateful for. Treat yourself to some good music while you get ready for your day or during your commute. If you are one of those super ninjas who can wake up and exercise go ahead and add those good, those POSITIVE endorphins, into your routine. I like to start my days with an addition of positive energy for this reason: I know that sometimes living in the world we live in (especially for myself being a double minority: African American Female and having no parental structures), negative aspects find their way to us and it’s unavoidable. BUT if I start off adding a surplus of the positive, even after the negative does all of it’s subtracting I am still left in the positive!

Think of it like a mental bank account. If you tell yourself you’re beautiful and deserving of the best kind of love and respect after dealing with a no shit nigga guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

If you tell yourself everyday that no matter what happens you KNOW you are going to walk across that stage and get that degree even when school starts tapping that ass guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

When life in general just really seems to be out to get you whether it is mentally, financially, or physically but you make time everyday to appreciate the things in life that you are grateful for, guess who is still able to afford a good mental rental space!? IT IS YOU MY FRIEND!

Listen Linda. I am at work right now sick as a dog, barely finished my homework prior to writing this, and trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my landlord for breaking my lease AND pay the deposit on the new place all while affording my new car note. I. AM. SKRESSED. OK! SKRESSED! The K stands for “kill me now.” But guess what?

I BEGGED to be enrolled in school this semester. There were hiccups with loans and fasfa and transcripts that I prayed would resolve themselves. I asked for this homework and this homework will take me one step closer to my dream job. If you read my first post you know I have been without a car since July. I HAVE A CAR NOW. A brand new one at that and with a good interest rate! I will be switching jobs soon and I currently live in a different city than my school so moving to this new place actually saves me money and a long commute because it is across the street from campus! I can even sleep later than usual chile it is a whole blessing!

When you’re in the negative subtract it out of your life by adding the positive. I am definitely a work in progress but it appears the more that I actively look to add positive energy into my soul the more aware I am of blocking out the negative. If you have a way of doing this that you would like to share with me or you just want to relay your battle with negative energy then put it in the comments! Until next time, KEEP THOSE HEADS UP AND DO YOUR MATH!

Tears On A Sunday

Mac

It is 6:48 p.m. on Sunday August 12,2018. I have just thrown a soaked t-shirt into the washer in exchange for nothing but a blanket to warm my lady bags as I type. Was the shirt soaked from some summertime fun at the pool? Perhaps there was a mishap while I washed dishes? Not quite. I have spent the last thirty minutes on my couch BAWLING!

If this is what you pictured then we are NOT on the same page.

Picture this instead

It dawned on me as I used my shirt as my own personal face mop that there was no reason I shouldn’t write about it. It’s why I started this blog in the first place. I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with the world. So here we are.

I did not wake up in a ball on the couch this morning but that is definitely where I ended up this afternoon and if you care enough to discover why stick around!

My week had been going relatively well. A lot of things on my agenda had begun to fall into place. As an additional bonus, a very nice gentleman had come into my life and asked me out so that meant free food, good conversations, and new experiences for me. The only pothole in my week was my current car situation. My little Toyota, Cornelius, had died. Completely abandoned me with no warning on my way back from visiting my original stomping grounds in Chicago a few weeks ago. Insurance deemed it a total loss but were and STILL are taking their sweet ass time completing the claim which would allow me to purchase a new vehicle.

I am aware of the importance of credit when looking to finance a vehicle. I learned a lot through trial and (severe) error when I purchased Cornelius. I began to love the notifications I would receive about my credit score each time it would rise. It was nice to know that my strives to be a responsible adult were somewhat paying off. So imagine my HORROR when I was laying on my couch and get a “there have been some changes to your credit report” email just to find out my score has dropped over 50 points! Also, the additional terror of realizing it was a fuck up on someone else’s part!

A true adult nightmare. Not only had this put a dent in my score, obviously, but it also put a huge dent in my car buying plans I had already thoroughly thought out. The change came from an account with Verizon that Sprint was supposed to pay off as a part of their promotion if you switched carriers. I am fuming, especially because when Verizon contacted me to inform me that the account had NOT been paid off I called Sprint and they assured me that it would be handled. Since it clearly was not handled I will say that there is a reason Sprint has cheaper prices and also with Sprint you can’t be on the internet and talk on the phone at the same damn time. BOOM! ROASTED!

Here is where the bawling began. In that moment I wanted nothing more than my mother and as I realized I would always want her but never have her it was like getting punched in the stomach by an angry Bruce Banner. I immediately became less distraught over the fact that now I had no idea if I could still get the vehicle of my choice and more so devastated over the fact that my mother wasn’t there to tell me what to do. There is not a day that goes by without me missing my mother. Certain situations bring forth a pain that I have yet to be able to effectively describe. It’s the situations where something isn’t going as they should and I realize my mom isn’t already in her room fixing it for me. It is the moments where I feel lost and her hand isn’t there to guide me back. It’s the situations where normally I could call and vent about how bad I was feeling and she would answer and say “it’s ok babycakes.” Now if you dial (773)590-1945 there’s no “babycakes” on the other end, just, “sorry but the number you are trying to reach….”

Now I am not an emotional person usually and I am definitely not a weeper. I can almost count on one hand how many people have seen me cry. However, August always has a somberness to it I can never escape. August 17th, 2015 is the day my soul left, yet to return. I usually try to mentally prepare for the day and try to work through it. I don’t even let people know the significance of the day so that there is very little attention to me. (Some people say the stupidest things at the worst times so I do my best to avoid everyone). August 17th of 2016 and 2017 ended the same way so in the spirit of tradition I fully expected 2018 to follow suit. For the past two years the 17th has been a pretty uneventful day. I usually keep to myself for the majority of the day until I can make it home. Then I typically spend a ridiculous amount of the evening in the shower, relentlessly replaying I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack on my speakers, while using the shower to muffle my wails and wash my tears down the drain as I tear my loofah into pieces out of pure agony. *whew* Nothing too dramatic, ya know?

But considering how I am already in my feelings (not over KiKi), I am not sure how this Friday will transpire.

So I sat on the couch like a child throwing a tantrum over the fact that mommy isn’t here to put band-aids on my scraped knee when I fall. I am not sure that will ever stop being a huge suck fest. However, she taught me to persevere and so that is what I will do. Sometimes I have to tell my own self that it is not the end of the world because I don’t always have someone to tell me that in a supportive manner and not a degrading one. I have no clue what I am going to do now considering another car but I will figure something out. Right now I just need to find a way to get the energy to do just that because I am pretty tired mentally. This “L” is simply another lesson though. I have become enamored with becoming a positive person and someone dedicated to her desire for personal growth. I just want to show my readers that even on your journey to be positive you can be met with negative circumstances. There is a reason it is called “growing pains.” I think I am all cried out for now which is good because when the 17th rolls around my sisters may need a dry shirt to cry on. I am going to go finish doing my laundry and pray over my credit score but just remember that tears are ok…..even on a Sunday.