HAPPY NEW YEAR! (I checked to make sure this was grammatically correct instead of saying “New Year’s” with that damn possessive apostrophe.)
I hope the holiday season was fun and enjoyable for you and best wishes for all this year! I have a good feeling about this year you guys and not because of what astrology says 2019 has in store for Gemini’s. 2019 will be the year that regardless of what happens Mac falls in love with herself. I don’t mean in a situationship, bootycall, Tinder hook up kind of way either. I am talking full on can’t eat, can’t sleep, boombox and lawnmowers, “pick me, choose me, love me”, kind of way.
I have definitely taken my time with it but I FINALLY know why really falling in love with myself has been so hard. I haven’t been oblivious to the fact that I have never really been my own fan but I have ALWAYS contributed it to my physical appearance. There are actually a few things standing in the way of my personal growth and feeling ugly has really just been a mask. As long as I can remember I was constantly being teased for my dark skin or unrelenting acne from a very young age. I just want to interject here that little kids can be mean as fuck. I was always made fun of and called “darkie, pimple face, four eyes, etc.” (I said they were mean never said they were creative.)
The insult I hated the most and the one that most often led to tears in a bathroom stall was hands down being called Celie from the movie The Color Purple. In 5th grade coming back from lunch a boy pushed me and as he walked by said, “You sholl is ugly.” I wanted nothing more than to be invisible. I faked sick and was able to score an early dismissal but simply returned to the torture the next day.
Only like two or three people know about the hatred I held for Whoopi Goldberg for such a long time. The whole color purple thing and how insecure it makes me is actually a secret. True story. Even typing these words there is a knot in my stomach. I mean it really fucked me up growing up and even today it bothers me in a way that is hard to explain. Especially, because I am usually the first one to laugh at myself but this one burns each and every time. If I was around and someone mentioned her name I would scurry to find an escape so the correlation couldn’t be made. I hated (still do a little) when people would say, “you know who you look like?” for fear I would have to laugh off what I used to consider someones way of calling me ugly without actually saying it. Anyways, from a very young age I despised myself for not being prettier and instead of blaming evil children I blamed noone but myself…… and Whoopi Goldberg.
Fast forward to highschool where big lips, titties, and a secret boyfriend came into play. Definitely not what you want a woman or a young girl to base her confidence on but yet there I was. It also helped for me that my boyfriend was super fine and if we are being honest, though our last encounter sucked major ass, I STILL think KGG is handsome as can be.
STORY TIME!
I asked my mother one day as she cooked in the kitchen, after being called ugly my junior year by some boys, if she thought I was pretty. Her reply, ” I think you’re gorgeous babycakes…..especially when you want to be.” Her saying “especially when you want to be” would mean more to me years later than it did then. “You’re just saying that because moms have to say that,” I whined. She threw a bag of yams on the table and picked one up to begin peeling and said, ” One. Stop whining or go downstairs. Two. I do not HAVE to do anything understand that. Three. Are you calling me a liar?” The LAST thing you did as a black child was call an elder a liar so with a quickness I exclaimed, “No, I think maybe you are a little biased though.” “Maybe so,” she said nodding towards an extra peeler signaling for me to make myself useful, “but EVERYONE is ugly to SOMEBODY and to me you are as cute as can be. You asked me and there is my answer. Understood?”
Ever since then I stopped trying to be pretty for others yet still struggled, for my own sake, to find this damn beauty my mother mentioned. Hell, I still haven’t found it but I am definitely well on my way.
Recently I have just been feeling myself. When I “want to be” I am cute as hell. I even start to feel vain as I snap copious amounts of pictures so I can prove that I look good and have some lasting evidence that it can happen. However, now that I have been able to remove this mask of physical insecurity I realized it’s some heavy shit under here. From facing issues like deciding whether I truly am a homebody or am I just depressed to realizing my ENTIRE life has been based on a religious belief that just doesn’t seem believable to me anymore! 2019 is the year I really sift through and chip away at all of these internal struggles to reveal my true self. In 2019 and the years to follow I am going to love the hell out of myself and look good doing it.
P.S. Shout out to Whoopi. A beautiful soul is what she appears to be and that’s inside AND out.
The Open Owl 