Tag: positivity

What Lies Behind Your Biggest Insecurity?

Mac

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (I checked to make sure this was grammatically correct instead of saying “New Year’s” with that damn possessive apostrophe.)

I hope the holiday season was fun and enjoyable for you and best wishes for all this year! I have a good feeling about this year you guys and not because of what astrology says 2019 has in store for Gemini’s. 2019 will be the year that regardless of what happens Mac falls in love with herself. I don’t mean in a situationship, bootycall, Tinder hook up kind of way either. I am talking full on can’t eat, can’t sleep, boombox and lawnmowers, “pick me, choose me, love me”, kind of way.

I have definitely taken my time with it but I FINALLY know why really falling in love with myself has been so hard. I haven’t been oblivious to the fact that I have never really been my own fan but I have ALWAYS contributed it to my physical appearance. There are actually a few things standing in the way of my personal growth and feeling ugly has really just been a mask. As long as I can remember I was constantly being teased for my dark skin or unrelenting acne from a very young age. I just want to interject here that little kids can be mean as fuck. I was always made fun of and called “darkie, pimple face, four eyes, etc.” (I said they were mean never said they were creative.)

The insult I hated the most and the one that most often led to tears in a bathroom stall was hands down being called Celie from the movie The Color Purple. In 5th grade coming back from lunch a boy pushed me and as he walked by said, “You sholl is ugly.” I wanted nothing more than to be invisible. I faked sick and was able to score an early dismissal but simply returned to the torture the next day.

Only like two or three people know about the hatred I held for Whoopi Goldberg for such a long time. The whole color purple thing and how insecure it makes me is actually a secret. True story. Even typing these words there is a knot in my stomach. I mean it really fucked me up growing up and even today it bothers me in a way that is hard to explain. Especially, because I am usually the first one to laugh at myself but this one burns each and every time. If I was around and someone mentioned her name I would scurry to find an escape so the correlation couldn’t be made. I hated (still do a little) when people would say, “you know who you look like?” for fear I would have to laugh off what I used to consider someones way of calling me ugly without actually saying it. Anyways, from a very young age I despised myself for not being prettier and instead of blaming evil children I blamed noone but myself…… and Whoopi Goldberg.

Fast forward to highschool where big lips, titties, and a secret boyfriend came into play. Definitely not what you want a woman or a young girl to base her confidence on but yet there I was. It also helped for me that my boyfriend was super fine and if we are being honest, though our last encounter sucked major ass, I STILL think KGG is handsome as can be.

STORY TIME!

I asked my mother one day as she cooked in the kitchen, after being called ugly my junior year by some boys, if she thought I was pretty. Her reply, ” I think you’re gorgeous babycakes…..especially when you want to be.” Her saying “especially when you want to be” would mean more to me years later than it did then. “You’re just saying that because moms have to say that,” I whined. She threw a bag of yams on the table and picked one up to begin peeling and said, ” One. Stop whining or go downstairs. Two. I do not HAVE to do anything understand that. Three. Are you calling me a liar?” The LAST thing you did as a black child was call an elder a liar so with a quickness I exclaimed, “No, I think maybe you are a little biased though.” “Maybe so,” she said nodding towards an extra peeler signaling for me to make myself useful, “but EVERYONE is ugly to SOMEBODY and to me you are as cute as can be. You asked me and there is my answer. Understood?”

Ever since then I stopped trying to be pretty for others yet still struggled, for my own sake, to find this damn beauty my mother mentioned. Hell, I still haven’t found it but I am definitely well on my way.

Recently I have just been feeling myself. When I “want to be” I am cute as hell. I even start to feel vain as I snap copious amounts of pictures so I can prove that I look good and have some lasting evidence that it can happen. However, now that I have been able to remove this mask of physical insecurity I realized it’s some heavy shit under here. From facing issues like deciding whether I truly am a homebody or am I just depressed to realizing my ENTIRE life has been based on a religious belief that just doesn’t seem believable to me anymore! 2019 is the year I really sift through and chip away at all of these internal struggles to reveal my true self. In 2019 and the years to follow I am going to love the hell out of myself and look good doing it.

P.S. Shout out to Whoopi. A beautiful soul is what she appears to be and that’s inside AND out.

How To Subtract The Negative and Add The Positive

Mac

Hey guys, I know I said I was going to do better with posting more consistently and clearly I have failed you. However, I am back now and actually bringing something to the table this time!

So, I don’t think I told you guys but ya girl is officially back in the young college game! I made excuse after excuse about why I couldn’t go back. I had 2 more semesters before I graduated with my associates in science and my license as a Paramedic back when I lived in the Chi. So close!

After my mom died I dropped out of the program and about three months later moved to Tennessee to start over. It was my way of finding light in a very dark time. Anyways, ever since then I had convinced myself that I was barely making it on my own there was no way I could add school into the mix. So what happened, what changed?

I DID.

I made a vow to myself to be a better woman, a better friend, a better person, and the best version of me. I will talk about this self-reflection and transformation in more detail another time but the main thing was deciding to adopt a positive nature. Not just attitude but nature. The more I looked inside myself the more I realized I was just one negative ass bitch! Like really! It was crazy to see how negative I was about my own self especially. Ranging from the guys I got tangled up with and the positions I allowed myself to be in out of “love” to what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was not where it was at! It was a little scary because I love to laugh and I am always there for my friends to be supportive and encouraging. When it came to Brittney though I was the least positive! Realizing that the inner me was this dark and kind of angry soul I was like WHO ARE YOU?!

I had been so focused on dealing with the death of my mom, the exiling from The Organization (and all my friends and everyone I was close to), the feeling of failing academically, and then being heartbroken by the guy I loved(AGAIN), and other struggles that I had not even realized that this girl had set up shop in my soul. That dark hoe had to go!

So clearly the first step was realizing she was there. (I am trying so hard not to personify this negative energy any more than I already have but if you want to indulge me you can secretly call her Leila.) Anywho, I realized that I had a lot of negative energy and I wanted to get rid of it. ASAP! She was stunting my growth as a queen and sitting on my throne.

I have got a question for you.

How do you get rid of a negative integer in a math equation? (I have to take a math class this semester so I need other people to suffer with me even if just a little.)

In order to change a negative integer to a positive you implement addition. You add a positive integer equal to or larger than the negative and it really is just that simple. But as is such with a lot of math equations, it does not always seem so simple. It seems especially difficult if you’re new to the concept. Making a conscious effort to add positive energy into your life to combat the negative is really a battle. For me it is really a magic trick actually because of my anxiety and overthinking. It’s not even that I always look at the glass half empty but my brain wants me to constantly be aware of all the possible ways to add a negative connotation to the water that is there. Will someone knock it over? Will it eventually evaporate? How clean is this water in the glass? Where is the rest of the water? What did I do to only deserve half? Why does it look like everyone else has more water than me?

It is NOT EASY but I am telling you guys you have to find a way to add that positive. For example, I am so happy to have clean drinking water. This is actually a really pretty glass! If I didn’t have this water man would I be thirsty! Water is so good for my body. Hell, even though it’s not a lot I can put this water into the freezer and make ice and put it in my wine! You see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

What has helped me a lot is starting my day off by adding some positive energy into my soul. Take time to do that math. Wake up and tell yourself what you are grateful for. Treat yourself to some good music while you get ready for your day or during your commute. If you are one of those super ninjas who can wake up and exercise go ahead and add those good, those POSITIVE endorphins, into your routine. I like to start my days with an addition of positive energy for this reason: I know that sometimes living in the world we live in (especially for myself being a double minority: African American Female and having no parental structures), negative aspects find their way to us and it’s unavoidable. BUT if I start off adding a surplus of the positive, even after the negative does all of it’s subtracting I am still left in the positive!

Think of it like a mental bank account. If you tell yourself you’re beautiful and deserving of the best kind of love and respect after dealing with a no shit nigga guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

If you tell yourself everyday that no matter what happens you KNOW you are going to walk across that stage and get that degree even when school starts tapping that ass guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

When life in general just really seems to be out to get you whether it is mentally, financially, or physically but you make time everyday to appreciate the things in life that you are grateful for, guess who is still able to afford a good mental rental space!? IT IS YOU MY FRIEND!

Listen Linda. I am at work right now sick as a dog, barely finished my homework prior to writing this, and trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my landlord for breaking my lease AND pay the deposit on the new place all while affording my new car note. I. AM. SKRESSED. OK! SKRESSED! The K stands for “kill me now.” But guess what?

I BEGGED to be enrolled in school this semester. There were hiccups with loans and fasfa and transcripts that I prayed would resolve themselves. I asked for this homework and this homework will take me one step closer to my dream job. If you read my first post you know I have been without a car since July. I HAVE A CAR NOW. A brand new one at that and with a good interest rate! I will be switching jobs soon and I currently live in a different city than my school so moving to this new place actually saves me money and a long commute because it is across the street from campus! I can even sleep later than usual chile it is a whole blessing!

When you’re in the negative subtract it out of your life by adding the positive. I am definitely a work in progress but it appears the more that I actively look to add positive energy into my soul the more aware I am of blocking out the negative. If you have a way of doing this that you would like to share with me or you just want to relay your battle with negative energy then put it in the comments! Until next time, KEEP THOSE HEADS UP AND DO YOUR MATH!