Hey guys, I know I said I was going to do better with posting more consistently and clearly I have failed you. However, I am back now and actually bringing something to the table this time!
So, I don’t think I told you guys but ya girl is officially back in the young college game! I made excuse after excuse about why I couldn’t go back. I had 2 more semesters before I graduated with my associates in science and my license as a Paramedic back when I lived in the Chi. So close!
After my mom died I dropped out of the program and about three months later moved to Tennessee to start over. It was my way of finding light in a very dark time. Anyways, ever since then I had convinced myself that I was barely making it on my own there was no way I could add school into the mix. So what happened, what changed?
I DID.
I made a vow to myself to be a better woman, a better friend, a better person, and the best version of me. I will talk about this self-reflection and transformation in more detail another time but the main thing was deciding to adopt a positive nature. Not just attitude but nature. The more I looked inside myself the more I realized I was just one negative ass bitch! Like really! It was crazy to see how negative I was about my own self especially. Ranging from the guys I got tangled up with and the positions I allowed myself to be in out of “love” to what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was not where it was at! It was a little scary because I love to laugh and I am always there for my friends to be supportive and encouraging. When it came to Brittney though I was the least positive! Realizing that the inner me was this dark and kind of angry soul I was like WHO ARE YOU?!
I had been so focused on dealing with the death of my mom, the exiling from The Organization (and all my friends and everyone I was close to), the feeling of failing academically, and then being heartbroken by the guy I loved(AGAIN), and other struggles that I had not even realized that this girl had set up shop in my soul. That dark hoe had to go!
So clearly the first step was realizing she was there. (I am trying so hard not to personify this negative energy any more than I already have but if you want to indulge me you can secretly call her Leila.) Anywho, I realized that I had a lot of negative energy and I wanted to get rid of it. ASAP! She was stunting my growth as a queen and sitting on my throne.
I have got a question for you.
How do you get rid of a negative integer in a math equation? (I have to take a math class this semester so I need other people to suffer with me even if just a little.)
In order to change a negative integer to a positive you implement addition. You add a positive integer equal to or larger than the negative and it really is just that simple. But as is such with a lot of math equations, it does not always seem so simple. It seems especially difficult if you’re new to the concept. Making a conscious effort to add positive energy into your life to combat the negative is really a battle. For me it is really a magic trick actually because of my anxiety and overthinking. It’s not even that I always look at the glass half empty but my brain wants me to constantly be aware of all the possible ways to add a negative connotation to the water that is there. Will someone knock it over? Will it eventually evaporate? How clean is this water in the glass? Where is the rest of the water? What did I do to only deserve half? Why does it look like everyone else has more water than me?
It is NOT EASY but I am telling you guys you have to find a way to add that positive. For example, I am so happy to have clean drinking water. This is actually a really pretty glass! If I didn’t have this water man would I be thirsty! Water is so good for my body. Hell, even though it’s not a lot I can put this water into the freezer and make ice and put it in my wine! You see where I’m going with this, don’t you?
What has helped me a lot is starting my day off by adding some positive energy into my soul. Take time to do that math. Wake up and tell yourself what you are grateful for. Treat yourself to some good music while you get ready for your day or during your commute. If you are one of those super ninjas who can wake up and exercise go ahead and add those good, those POSITIVE endorphins, into your routine. I like to start my days with an addition of positive energy for this reason: I know that sometimes living in the world we live in (especially for myself being a double minority: African American Female and having no parental structures), negative aspects find their way to us and it’s unavoidable. BUT if I start off adding a surplus of the positive, even after the negative does all of it’s subtracting I am still left in the positive!
Think of it like a mental bank account. If you tell yourself you’re beautiful and deserving of the best kind of love and respect after dealing with a no shit nigga guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!
If you tell yourself everyday that no matter what happens you KNOW you are going to walk across that stage and get that degree even when school starts tapping that ass guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!
When life in general just really seems to be out to get you whether it is mentally, financially, or physically but you make time everyday to appreciate the things in life that you are grateful for, guess who is still able to afford a good mental rental space!? IT IS YOU MY FRIEND!
Listen Linda. I am at work right now sick as a dog, barely finished my homework prior to writing this, and trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my landlord for breaking my lease AND pay the deposit on the new place all while affording my new car note. I. AM. SKRESSED. OK! SKRESSED! The K stands for “kill me now.” But guess what?
I BEGGED to be enrolled in school this semester. There were hiccups with loans and fasfa and transcripts that I prayed would resolve themselves. I asked for this homework and this homework will take me one step closer to my dream job. If you read my first post you know I have been without a car since July. I HAVE A CAR NOW. A brand new one at that and with a good interest rate! I will be switching jobs soon and I currently live in a different city than my school so moving to this new place actually saves me money and a long commute because it is across the street from campus! I can even sleep later than usual chile it is a whole blessing!
When you’re in the negative subtract it out of your life by adding the positive. I am definitely a work in progress but it appears the more that I actively look to add positive energy into my soul the more aware I am of blocking out the negative. If you have a way of doing this that you would like to share with me or you just want to relay your battle with negative energy then put it in the comments! Until next time, KEEP THOSE HEADS UP AND DO YOUR MATH!
The Open Owl 