Tag: struggles

The What If Carousel?

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Ladies, do you ever find yourself laying down, minding your own business, and suddenly there’s a pain that shoots right through your boob? In that moment you think “oh god this is it! My time has come! I see the light!”

I’m not here to talk about random titty pain. In that moment, even if just for those few seconds, I hop onto the “what if” carousel. What if it’s breast cancer? What if I’m having a heart attack? What if this is something serious? What if I go to the doctor and they don’t take me serious? What if I die because the physician is racist and didn’t think I deserved the correct test? What if I die right now and when people find my body they find my vibrator next to me instead of a bible?

All jokes aside the What If Carousel is a scary place and for those with anxiety the ride is longer and much harder to hope off of. I find myself settling onto my horse, holding onto my pole, going in circles, completely ignoring all the signs saying I’ve exceeded the expected ride time.

My days are filled with thinking of possible negative outcomes, ignoring very possible positive outcomes, and these days often I become void of any action at all because of it. Just imagine the viciousness of the What If Carousel of someone with agoraphobia? It breaks my heart to even fathom.

What if my candles aren’t good quality? What if I don’t pass this exam? What if I can’t pay rent next month? What if I’m deathly ill and unaware? What if my friends think I’m super annoying and just put up with me? What if I’ll be alone forever? What if I’ll always be reaching for success but never grab it? What if Jehovahs Witnesses are right and I’m gonna die forever? What if I’m the only one that thinks what I write is worth reading?

Lately I’ve been riding on my own carousel moreso than normal. I really want to get off and get shit done.

These questions or similar ones occupy my mind often. The other day I had to scrape up some weed (too poor to buy some because ya know priorities and shit). My carousel had started moving waaaay too fast. It wasn’t a fun ride. Scary is what it was.

I sat on the edge of my tub with the shower running, paying no mind to the water covering the floor, and exhaled through a straw. (A breathing technique I’ve learned that has carried me through many panic attacks) Eventually I felt Mary Janes presence, took my shower, ate the food I had previously lost all appetite for, and went to sleep.

When I woke up you know what I said? My first thought the next morning was “what if I always need Mary Jane to save me?” And then I started my carousel up for the day………

February 1: Things Unsaid

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So for this prompt I would like to write a few letters to my immediate family. I’ve always felt like letters are a way to say things to someone that the tongue doesn’t allow to be set free.

To my oldest sister Kattie,

I am sorry. I am sorry that you lost your father and your mother and could not verbally express your sorrow. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel like I could handle taking care of you by myself at 20 years old after mom died. I’m sorry for all the mistakes I may have made during the months that I tried. I’m sorry your autism causes you to view familiarity and routine as comforts and those comforts were taken away from you. I’m sorry I don’t come see you as much to check on you and that I make an excuse because I know you’re being well taken care of. I am sorry I’m not a better little sister.

To my second oldest sister Lisa,

I want to know why? Why I can’t see my niece, why you haven’t called or text me in years, and why I had to find out you were pregnant via social media. I know why. Because Jehovah told you not to. So I guess I mean I want to know why the love you have for me isnt strong enough to push through that. I held your hand during many dark times and it’s insufferable to constantly realize that during my dark times you’re voluntarily staying away. It hurts deeply and you plan on continuing on with your life not letting that pain affect you. I wouldn’t do that to you if the roles were reversed and let’s not forget that at one point they were. I still love you with all of my heart…..even if you only love me from outside of the cage you have sentenced me to.

To my third oldest sister Alex,

Alex fighting! I miss how we used to be when mom was alive, playing video games in my room or you forcing me to watch a Korean drama that shortly thereafter I’d become obsessed with. Though I don’t miss those times as deeply because intertwined in those memories are memories of my toxicity towards you and your being. Your nature differs so much from mine in many ways and my lack of understanding for such a difference but yet annoyance of it during our younger years sickens me. You still piss me off just as much but if I had realized how much I need and love you perhaps I wouldn’t have been so mean. I’m sorry for the role I played in certain past traumas you hold and hope that before I leave this earth I can prove to you how much I love you.

To my fourth oldest sister Latrice,

Yes I have you blocked on Facebook. I find it hard to deal with how your mental disorders manifest and how they make me feel. I often think of our biological mother and traits we may share from her. Or our dads, whoever they may be, and how different they may have been. I remember being bonded together simply in the fact that we shared DNA and the other sisters couldn’t say that. Hell, I have yet to be able to say that to anyone in my life but you. The truth was there than and it’s here now: You scare me. I constantly fear your mental instability is one of the shared traits and mine has just yet to manifest as fiercely. I wish you were just a tad more mentally stable. I wish you could come visit and we could go for coffee and I come play with your children. I wish I didn’t fear for their wellbeing when with you and I wish I didn’t fear for yours. I pray that the universe or whoever is in control of our lives watches over you in ways that I can’t.

To my fifth oldest sister Jasmine,

Bitch I fucking adore you and I cannot stand your trifling ass! Hahaha. The relationship I have with you is the most fierce and complex than the other sisters simply because we are connected so strongly but the deep love for you all is there all around. We are the babies of the McClendone clan but the crazy ones as well. The ones cracking jokes at family reunions and getting in trouble for giggling instead of bowing our heads during prayer. The first person who taught me about sex and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I decided to put my mouth on a mans appendage. The first person I called whenever I was in trouble and needed a way out without getting caught by momma. I want to tell you that you underestimate yourself and there’s a part of our bond I believe that solely relies on me trying to change that. We argue more than anyone in the family but I also believe it’s because we become so frustrated when the other is not doing what we know they should and could be. I’ve always thought your promiscuity stemmed from lack of self love and the search to find it in others. I wish more for you. You make the stupidest decisions sometimes but I’ve learned not to get so angry because you are always the first person to walk me through my own.

To my mother,

I am mad at you. Livid. Furious. YOU LEFT ME HERE! You left me here to deal with life without you and I wasn’t prepared. I’m having such a hard time without you and you should be here. PERIOD. I’m angry at you for dying and I’m angry at myself for being angry at you. As if you had a damn choice. As if you didn’t fight hard for me everyday. But I was your baby. I AM YOUR BABYCAKES! Please come back to me. Even if just for a little while. I promise not to be so angry with you anymore. I’m so sad without you it is sometimes physically unbearable. My existence is in constant turmoil without you mommy, I miss you and I’m just simply not ok without you and never will be. Come back to me. Please

How To Subtract The Negative and Add The Positive

Mac

Hey guys, I know I said I was going to do better with posting more consistently and clearly I have failed you. However, I am back now and actually bringing something to the table this time!

So, I don’t think I told you guys but ya girl is officially back in the young college game! I made excuse after excuse about why I couldn’t go back. I had 2 more semesters before I graduated with my associates in science and my license as a Paramedic back when I lived in the Chi. So close!

After my mom died I dropped out of the program and about three months later moved to Tennessee to start over. It was my way of finding light in a very dark time. Anyways, ever since then I had convinced myself that I was barely making it on my own there was no way I could add school into the mix. So what happened, what changed?

I DID.

I made a vow to myself to be a better woman, a better friend, a better person, and the best version of me. I will talk about this self-reflection and transformation in more detail another time but the main thing was deciding to adopt a positive nature. Not just attitude but nature. The more I looked inside myself the more I realized I was just one negative ass bitch! Like really! It was crazy to see how negative I was about my own self especially. Ranging from the guys I got tangled up with and the positions I allowed myself to be in out of “love” to what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was not where it was at! It was a little scary because I love to laugh and I am always there for my friends to be supportive and encouraging. When it came to Brittney though I was the least positive! Realizing that the inner me was this dark and kind of angry soul I was like WHO ARE YOU?!

I had been so focused on dealing with the death of my mom, the exiling from The Organization (and all my friends and everyone I was close to), the feeling of failing academically, and then being heartbroken by the guy I loved(AGAIN), and other struggles that I had not even realized that this girl had set up shop in my soul. That dark hoe had to go!

So clearly the first step was realizing she was there. (I am trying so hard not to personify this negative energy any more than I already have but if you want to indulge me you can secretly call her Leila.) Anywho, I realized that I had a lot of negative energy and I wanted to get rid of it. ASAP! She was stunting my growth as a queen and sitting on my throne.

I have got a question for you.

How do you get rid of a negative integer in a math equation? (I have to take a math class this semester so I need other people to suffer with me even if just a little.)

In order to change a negative integer to a positive you implement addition. You add a positive integer equal to or larger than the negative and it really is just that simple. But as is such with a lot of math equations, it does not always seem so simple. It seems especially difficult if you’re new to the concept. Making a conscious effort to add positive energy into your life to combat the negative is really a battle. For me it is really a magic trick actually because of my anxiety and overthinking. It’s not even that I always look at the glass half empty but my brain wants me to constantly be aware of all the possible ways to add a negative connotation to the water that is there. Will someone knock it over? Will it eventually evaporate? How clean is this water in the glass? Where is the rest of the water? What did I do to only deserve half? Why does it look like everyone else has more water than me?

It is NOT EASY but I am telling you guys you have to find a way to add that positive. For example, I am so happy to have clean drinking water. This is actually a really pretty glass! If I didn’t have this water man would I be thirsty! Water is so good for my body. Hell, even though it’s not a lot I can put this water into the freezer and make ice and put it in my wine! You see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

What has helped me a lot is starting my day off by adding some positive energy into my soul. Take time to do that math. Wake up and tell yourself what you are grateful for. Treat yourself to some good music while you get ready for your day or during your commute. If you are one of those super ninjas who can wake up and exercise go ahead and add those good, those POSITIVE endorphins, into your routine. I like to start my days with an addition of positive energy for this reason: I know that sometimes living in the world we live in (especially for myself being a double minority: African American Female and having no parental structures), negative aspects find their way to us and it’s unavoidable. BUT if I start off adding a surplus of the positive, even after the negative does all of it’s subtracting I am still left in the positive!

Think of it like a mental bank account. If you tell yourself you’re beautiful and deserving of the best kind of love and respect after dealing with a no shit nigga guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

If you tell yourself everyday that no matter what happens you KNOW you are going to walk across that stage and get that degree even when school starts tapping that ass guess who still has a positive balance? YOU!

When life in general just really seems to be out to get you whether it is mentally, financially, or physically but you make time everyday to appreciate the things in life that you are grateful for, guess who is still able to afford a good mental rental space!? IT IS YOU MY FRIEND!

Listen Linda. I am at work right now sick as a dog, barely finished my homework prior to writing this, and trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my landlord for breaking my lease AND pay the deposit on the new place all while affording my new car note. I. AM. SKRESSED. OK! SKRESSED! The K stands for “kill me now.” But guess what?

I BEGGED to be enrolled in school this semester. There were hiccups with loans and fasfa and transcripts that I prayed would resolve themselves. I asked for this homework and this homework will take me one step closer to my dream job. If you read my first post you know I have been without a car since July. I HAVE A CAR NOW. A brand new one at that and with a good interest rate! I will be switching jobs soon and I currently live in a different city than my school so moving to this new place actually saves me money and a long commute because it is across the street from campus! I can even sleep later than usual chile it is a whole blessing!

When you’re in the negative subtract it out of your life by adding the positive. I am definitely a work in progress but it appears the more that I actively look to add positive energy into my soul the more aware I am of blocking out the negative. If you have a way of doing this that you would like to share with me or you just want to relay your battle with negative energy then put it in the comments! Until next time, KEEP THOSE HEADS UP AND DO YOUR MATH!